From the Floppy Called Subversive
by serialhugger
Summary: A spoof of MarySue situations. That means it pokes fun at MarySue's and quirks of the fandom, including incorrect spelling [of names etc.], oocness, etc. Dont like idiocy, then dont read it. Pure crack!
1. Prologue: And Let The Randomness Begin!

**Warning:** this story is more than just a bit AU and it's pretty much just a melting pot of randomness that refused to let Smurf be until it was set to the page (erm- screen). Don't read if you're allergic to all things stupid. Even the title's dumb.

**A/N:** This is the revamped FTFCS. I, Smurf, have gone through and altered things that I think my fellow serialhuggers made a right mess out of.

**Disclaimer:** We, the serialhugger collective, don't own any characters, trademarks, etc. that you, the reader, may recognize. We do own a handful of original characters (err- okay so Smurf owns them, but you get the point.) but that's all we own. Just to reiterate (Smurf taught us that word in grade three! She was such a nerd), we don't own anything except the original characters. With that said, you cannot sue us… we don't think… GAH! Too much legal stuff!

**Summary: **More randomness than you can shake a stick at. Plotting Mary-sues, yaoi, yuri, and a whole lot of ooc-ness and crack!

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**Prologue: And Let The Randomness Begin!**

Somewhere deep- very deep- in the recesses of Smurf's mind there lives a small collective of imaginary muses, deities, friends and other such characters. Usually these muses co-exist, in a utopian-like state, only bothering her with ideas on occasion, resulting in really awesome sketches, paintings, photos, clothes (this girl makes kick-ass Halloween costumes) and even a few children's stories (Eric's bratty twin cousins practically beg to hear her bedtime stories, how else do you think we get them into bed?). However, every once in a while these muses become restless and they band together against Smurf causing her much mental anguish, and forcing her to suffer from imagination over-load, effectively turning her brain into mush, and not doing very much to help her already questionable state of mental health. This fic is the result of one such time.

Hello, I'm Smurf (the e-mail address behind the serialhugger collective), and as the previous paragraph has explained, my mind's creative muses have conspired against me. I haven't slept well in weeks now, as they've been assaulting me constantly with ideas, which refuse to leave my brain. Please forgive me for this piece of patched together randomness. Or, that's what she would say if she were the one typing out the intro. Then she would probably get in to a conversation with Kankuro (we don't understand why she likes the dude, but he's one of her favorite characters so we've learned to deal with it), hand out some Oreos, and then do or say something completely random.

And so the story begins…

In the village of Konohagakure there lived many people, there were the various ninjas, the regular civilians, and then there were those characters that had been inserted by numerous fan fiction authors in order to create their even more numerous brainchildren. Needless to say the place was never short on excitement, fluffiness, or any other type of situation the human mind could conceive of. And that suits this story just fine.

Murimatsu Anika had just sold a rather quaint looking house not too far from the ninja academy to a nice young lady. The house was- oddly enough- located so that it was equidistant from everything in the village, which was really quite amazing, as it put it right smack dab in the center of Konoha. Not even the author knows how that happened, and chooses to chalk it up to one of those strange things that could only happen in a fan-fiction universe. The house was moved into the same day it was sold, as the girl's family was dispersed upon various other fandoms, she would be alone. Kimiko, Shoko, and Amaya, the three eldest sisters, were currently off on their own in the Inuyasha fandom, killing people off for no real reason other than the person who wrote that particular story was very bored at the time of its conception. Which left Umeko, to bother the Sand siblings in a different area of the Naruto-verse, and Mary-Sue to terrorize the village of Konoha, The only other sibling, one Jamesie the cat-girl, along with their mother, Sugar-rush, and their father, Insomnia had yet to attach them selves to any sort of fan fiction.

Mary-Sue's arrival in the Naruto-verse was treated much the same as any other author inserted character, she was met with a lot of, "Hey I've never seen you around before, you must be new here," type comments, but accepted as a valid participant to the upcoming plot line of some story currently being written by some author out there in the 3-D universe. The innocent inhabitants of the village had no idea that this particular fan creation was acting on her own volition, while her creator was battling futilely against the muses in her head for control of her thought process. As Mary-Sue explored the village, just happening to innocently bump in to every important and some not-so-important character she could manage to stumble across before calling it a day to head back to her newly acquired home and waited for the next day when the fun would begin.

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**This is the end of the prologue. The next few chapters will be up in a few weeks; we would like to take this time to ask you to please review. Thank you! Serialhugger. **


	2. Chapter 1: In which Tsunade calls in rei...

**Warning:** this story is pretty much just a melting pot of randomness that refused to let Smurf be until it was set to the page (erm- screen). Don't read if you're allergic to all things stupid. Even the title's dumb.

**Disclaimer:** We, the serialhugger collective, do not own any characters, trademarks, etc. that you, the reader, may recognize. We do own a handful of original characters (err- okay so Smurf owns them, but you get the point.) but that's all we own. Just to reiterate, we don't own anything except the original characters. With that said, you cannot sue us… we don't think…

**Summary: **More randomness than you can shake a stick at. We were going through some of Smurf's computer discs and we came across this. It was on the disc labeled **_'Subversive Muses'_**. Actually it was labeled, **_'Subversive Muses and Brain Farts Of Massive Proportions'_**, but you get the point.

'I'm thinking.' _"I'm talking."_ I'm just regular stuff.

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**From the Floppy Called Subversive**  
_By Smurf  
Posted by Janey and Smurf (who has decided not to kill the pervert)_

**Chapter 1: In which Tsunade calls in reinforcements and bad-guy 354 appears**

Enough was enough. It had been two months since the appearance of Mary-Sue in the Narutoverse, and she was driving Tsunade mad! Since the girl had shown up there had been nothing but disruption after disruption to the storyline. Naruto and Sasuke were nowhere near where they were supposed to be relationship wise, as a result the Kaka/Iru and several other deliciously slashy story arcs were at a stalemate. Something simply had to be done, and the quirky fifth Hokage had a plan.

The blonde woman looked at an equally blonde cat-girl who had been 'escorted' to her office by a team of Anbu; that is to say the girl had been asleep in her bed dreaming of catnip, and other such good things, when she had found herself being extracted forcibly from her home. Several claw marks decorated the arms- and probably other places- of the elite leaf shin obi. Tsunade made a mental note to make sure that ointment was applied to the shallow wounds immediately. Cat scratches hurt like a dickens if she remembered correctly.

"_I thought you were supposed to be related," _The Hokage was clearly puzzled, _"but you're a neko!"_

The pretty blonde kitty cocked her head to the side in a very feline gesture and quirked a brow in thought for a moment. _"I never actually understood that bit either,"_ she shrugged, _"you'd have to ask the author how exactly that works."_ Both women paused and looked expectantly in the direction of the over tired typist, who simply shrugged her response and went back to chugging coffee, and chomping on Oreos while typing out the rest of the scene.

Finding that the author of this sad excuse of a fic was utterly useless the two continued their exchange. Which is to say that Tsunade talked, explaining the situation while the cat-girl listened and nodded occasionally, every so often adding a quiet, _"Hmm,"_ or an _"I see,"_ at the appropriate intervals. In the end it was decided that Mary-Sue must be stopped, and that Jamesie the cat-girl was just the neko for the job. After all she knew the dark haired whirlwind of an OC better than anyone.

So as Jamesie went forth to seek and capture her trouble causing older sister, Tsunade-sama got back to her regularly scheduled, griping, gambling, drinking, and hitting of things and people with a renewed zeal.

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From what Jamesie had gathered, Mary-Sue was currently throwing herself at Hyuuga Neji, genius of the branch house of the well-known Hyuuga clan, of which his uncle was head, and his little cousin was heiress. According to the book of laws of the fan-fiction universe, Neji-san was either supposed to find love with a teammate, another flawed genius, a loud mouth blond boy, or his gentle cousin. And upon further examination of this particular dimension of the Narutoverse, it appeared Hyuuga-cest was the order of the day. Somehow Jamesie had to get the stuttering, shy, soft, Hyuuga Hinata, and the distant, resigned, bitter Hyuuga Neji back on track, so that the various Neji/Hina writers in this particular fandom, could continue on with their smut, fluff, or even angst filled fic's.

**'Okay, first mission: Operation; Save Neji!'** she thought to herself with a certain level of sarcasm reserved only for those with extraordinarily bizarre senses of humor. On her face she wore an expression that would have looked right at home on the face of one Nara Shikamaru, which only served as a foil for her inner thoughts, which were much more animated, and exciting.

In order to rescue Neji from a Mary-Sue type fate the cat-girl had to first do some research. Firstly, she would have to find out what back-story she had used. That had been exceedingly easy to do. She had simply asked the man at the BBQ place Chouji and his teammates frequented and he had told her everything he knew. As her current mess-up-the-fandom mission seemed to be centered on Neji, she had fashioned herself as a young girl named Uchiha Mary-Sue; a half Uchiha, born out of wedlock, and cousin to the Uchiha survivor, Sasuke. How she had managed to get anyone to believe that cock-and-bull story, Jamesie had no clue, but they apparently had believed it and there in lay the problem. As an Uchiha, the girl was acceptable for a branch house member to wed.

Groaning inwardly the blond recalled the rest of the story. The man had explained that because she was an Uchiha a series of evildoers had been attempting to kidnap her for their own nefarious purposes. And, according to the grapevine, these men seemed to show up like clockwork every Wednesday at precisely nine am, four pm, and eleven thirty-four pm. It was currently eleven thirty-two pm. Jamesie had exactly two minutes to find her wayward sibling and restore the brooding Hyuuga to his gentle cousin, and incestuous love interest, Hinata. Knowing the back-story her sister was currently using, as well as her general knowledge of her sister, it only took Jamesie one minute and fifty-seven seconds to find her.

She was in the woods slung over the shoulder of a standard looking bad guy, who was in fact so generic that he didn't even possess a real name. He was called simply, Bad-Guy 354. Apparently bad-guy's 1-353 had already attempted and failed to capture Mary-Sue, as a result of Neji always showing up inexplicably in the nick of time to rescue his stalker/ intended bride.

Once again Jamesie was forced to imagine what kind of mind jutsu Mary-Sue had worked upon the inhabitants of the fandom in order to swing that one. She shook her head clear of such thoughts when it became evident that all she would receive for her contemplation was a migraine the size of Hatake Kakashi's porn collection. Once more she returned her full attention to the situation at hand, and managed to retrieve her misbehaving sibling from said bad-guy in the record time of three minutes flat.

Getting Mary-Sue back had been decidedly simple. All she had done was used logic to reason with the man, in the end she had convinced him that Mary-Sue was not an Uchiha, nor was she the intended of Hyuuga Neji, and that kidnapping her whether it be for the mirror wheel eyes, or a hefty ransom from the Hyuuga she intended to marry, was a complete and utter waste of time, and energy, especially when he could be out kidnapping somebody who was actually important. She may have even dropped Hyuuga Hinata's name whilst lecturing the confused would-be kidnapper. Ah the wonders of logic. The Vulcan's really had something there- wait, that's Star-Trek, a completely different fandom!

By the time Neji arrived to rescue the kidnapped girl, Jamesie had dragged Mary-Sue out of the general vicinity, so what he actually found was Bad-guy 354 kidnapping his still struggling cousin; whom said bad-guy had decided would be a much better victim. Neji was victorious, as if there were any doubts he would be otherwise, and in his arms as he headed back home was a weakened, yet grateful Hinata.

Somewhere off in the distance there was a noise that sounded remarkably like a 'click!' and everything seemed right once again. Somewhere even further off in the distance Jamesie was explaining in graphic detail the many punishments Mary-Sue would undergo once she was safely back home and locked away in their creators mind, while Mary-Sue was whining, and attempting to escape from the painful grip that her feline sibling had on her right ear. Somewhere else the fifth Hokage sighed contented in the knowledge that the Mary-Sue type threat to her village had been stopped, even if she knew that the peace wouldn't be permanent.

**End Of Chapter One!

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**Please take the time out and Review, as I have taken the time out to delve into my dear friends private property/ insanity, and made it public, risking life and limb to do so. **

_Up Next: Chapter Two: In Which Mary-Sue Returns and Sasuke Can't Seem To Find His Koi. _


	3. Chapter Two: In Which MarySue Returns an...

**Warning:** this story is pretty much just a melting pot of randomness that refused to let me be until it was set to the page (erm- screen). Don't read if you're allergic to all things stupid. It is also one of the longest chapters and has attached to it one long ass authors note.

**Disclaimer:** The serialhugger collective does not own any characters, trademarks, etc. that you, the reader, may recognize. We do own a handful of original characters (err- okay so I, being Smurf, own them.) but that's all we own. Just to reiterate, we don't own anything except the original characters. With that said, you cannot sue us… we don't think.

**Summary: **More randomness than you can shake a stick at. Janey & Eric were going through some of my computer discs and came across this. It was on the disc labeled **_'Subversive Muses'_**. Actually it was labeled, **_'Subversive Muses and Brain Farts Of Massive Proportions'_**, but you get the point.

'I'm thinking.' _"I'm talking."_ I'm narrating.

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**From the Floppy Called Subversive  
**_By Smurf_

**Chapter Two: In Which Mary-Sue Returns and Sasuke Can't Seem To Find His Koi**

It had been two weeks since Mary-Sue had first unleashed herself upon the unsuspecting citizens of Konoha, which meant it had been two weeks since her meddling sister, Jamesie, had captured her, and foiled her plan to become Mrs. Hyuuga Neji. Oh well, it wasn't as if there weren't plenty of other fish in the sea- or rather hot shinobi in Konoha. She just needed to come up with a new back-story, and select a new target. A wicked smile, reminiscent of the Grinch while plotting something vile (see I can too rhyme!), spread over her features. This smile was accompanied by a malicious glimmer in both of her coal dark eyes. The expression was, to put it plainly, unnerving.

A shiver ran up Jamesie's spine as she glanced over at her sister. She would be glad when she finally had achieved her goal of locking Mary-Sue away in some dark corner of Smurf's subconscious, where she would no longer pose any type of future threat to the various fandoms. However, that was not going to happen at any time soon, as the seditious muses were still waging their war (unnecessarily) against the poor writer/ student. Gaining entry into Smurf's besieged brain was going to be much more difficult than escaping it in all the chaos.

Again the blond cat-girl let out a sigh as she shifted her weight ever so slightly on the large rock she was using as a lounge chair. Mary-Sue's expression had calmed some, and she was now sitting in the grass with a daisy in her hand, idly plucking off its petals one by one while humming a tuneless melody. If Jamesie had been aware of the inner dialogue that accompanied said tune she would not have allowed herself to become so relaxed, and thus vulnerable to her dark haired older sister.

Mary-Sue hummed to herself as she plucked the last few petals off of her now naked daisy. Once more the wicked glint in her eyes had returned. Her sister being fully engrossed in her sunbathing was an easy target; if she were going to act it was going to have to be now. With lightning speed, Mary-Sue tied up her sister using various vines she had found laying about the place. To further add insult to injury the crazed girl even used Jamesie's own tail as a type of rope, firmly attaching her to the branch of a close by tree. Once satisfied that Jamesie would be unable to escape, Mary-Sue headed on her merry way, back to Konohagakure, and the new love of her life!

Now, you readers out there must be wondering why the authoress did absolutely nothing to stop Mary-Sue and her wicked plan, well the answer to that, my friends, is very simple. Smurf had gone in search of coffee and Oreo's after finishing off her earlier supply, and by the time she had returned the damage had been done. All the poor typist could do was return to her keyboard and pray that the solution appeared on the page before it was too late! So with fingers flashing at the speed of light, striking keys in a seemingly feverish manor the young Smurf returned to the task at hand- finishing this damn chapter of the fic!

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Somewhere in Konoha, a certain loudmouthed, brightly clad, blond had just disappeared. One moment he had been downing bowl after bowl of Ramen, while conversing with everyone's favorite Chuunin, Umino Iruka, and the next moment he was gone! Now, a shinobi making a stealthy exit is nothing uncommon, as a matter of fact the people of Konoha were rather used to it. However, for Naruto to make such an exit, leaving a bowl of half uneaten Ramen- especially after only eating two bowls previous- was not only unheard of, it was impossible! Iruka's wallet was still weighty, and the kitchens still had a healthy supply of Ramen; this could only mean one thing… foul play was definitely involved, that, or the blond had accidentally had bad milk again that morning. As nobody in Konoha was dumb enough to kidnap the blond right in plain view, it must have been the milk. Satisfied with his deduction Iruka finished his bowl of Ramen, paid the old man behind the counter, and added some money to Naruto's tab, so that the blond boy would be able to resume his consumption of the heavenly noodles as soon as his stomach was up to it. 

The rest of the day seemed to pass without incident. That was definitely not normal! Something smelled in the village of Konoha, and for once it wasn't Asuma's cigarettes. Sasuke had noticed it first, of course, but that was nothing strange, as the blond had failed to come home after lunching with Iruka. His koibito's missing status was quite obvious to the, by now more than just a tiny bit worried, brunette. And so Uchiha Sasuke did what any other good, worried, possessive, and slightly annoyed boyfriend would do; he went looking for _HIS_ Naruto-chan.

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Meanwhile back in the forest where we last saw our favorite OC cat-girl, a certain silver haired shinobi was on his way to Konoha. The muffled cries of the cat-girl caught his attention at once, causing his eyebrows to arch quizzically. As is the law of the fan-fic universe the strong male shinobi made his way toward the sounds of distress, only to come across a very disgruntled Jamesie, who was still hanging from a tree branch by her tail. 

"_Ouch! Well that's gotta hurt_," said the silver haired man, as he looked at the now glaring girl. It seemed though, that both the fact that Jamesie was glaring daggers at him and hissing in a threatening manner had managed to escape the mans attention, as he smiled causing his eyes to become happy little inverted 'u' shapes. Humming happily to his self the man set about freeing her from the vines, and unknotting her tail. He even managed to catch her in his arms before she touched the ground; again earning himself a glare.

"_Thanks,_" she said as she freed herself from his arms and turned to stomp all the way back to Konoha where she was going to gain some very much deserved revenge on Mary-Sue. She was so wrapped up in her thoughts of retribution that she didn't notice that the silver haired man had fallen into step next to her, until he spoke.

"_So," _he began, "_Which author or authoress sent you to stalk me?_" Jamesie's muscles stiffened, but she didn't respond. She kept on stomping, though in a much stiffer posture. "_To think,_" this man had absolutely no sense of self-preservation, "_an author has finally seen fit to give me my very own Mary-Sue! Granted, you aren't what I would have expected, but you're cute, and blond, _" Then he got a pensive look, and whipped out a worn looking notebook that he commenced to jot down various things that popped into his mind. "_Hey! This could be great as research for my next book!_" He glanced over at the neko next to him, and didn't seem to care that her left eyebrow was twitching, nor that a stress vein had appeared and was currently throbbing on her forehead. And then he said the thing that earned him a beating so vicious that even Tsunade would have cringed at it. "_So when do we get to the smut? The sooner the better, ne?_"

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Back in Konoha, Sasuke was having absolutely no luck finding Naruto. He had checked the bridge, the Hokage monument, the memorial, the Ramen stand, and several other places that offered food, he had checked the Uchiha compound, Naruto's apartment, hell he had even checked with their fellow former rookies, and Gai's old team. Nobody had seen him! Hell, not even Tsunade-sama or Iruka had seen the blond boy since lunch. Kakashi was on a mission so there was no way Naruto was with him. The Uchiha was running out of places to look! 

Mary-Sue watched from the window of her recently purchased home as the dark haired boy passed by. He looked even more brooding than usual, which meant in Mary-Sue speak, that he was looking hot, hot, HOT! She glanced over to where she had the blond and his squatter (Kyuubi) knocked unconscious with a very potent potion she had borrowed from a fellow Mary-Sue in the Harry Potter fandom. Such a useful thing, and totally undetectable when slipped into a bowl of Ramen. She let out a small giggle, which, for a giggle, managed to sound quite evil.

Yes. Sasuke would continue to look for his hyper blond boyfriend, and she, Mary-Sue, would help him, and if they happened to fall madly in love with one another while searching for said blond boy, well it couldn't be helped. And as this was a fan fiction, and as such, a part of the fan-fic universe that was exactly what was going to happen, for no other reason than it was one of those freaky laws of said universe. Dun, dun, dun!

'**Kami-sama, I love being a Mary-Sue!' **she thought as she headed out the door to accidentally-on-purpose run into the new love of her life. The tragic, brooding, Uchiha survivor named Sasuke.

* * *

"_I AM NOT A MARY-SUE, YOU OVER-THE-HILL PERVERTED HORNY-TOAD!"_ screamed the blond cat-girl known as Jamesie. _"I was tied up to that tree by my sister, Mary-Sue, who just so happens to be a Mary-Sue, and now I have to get to Konoha before she can cause any more damage!"_ She and the silver haired man, who had introduced himself as Jaraiya, had been having the same conversation for over an hour, and it was getting them absolutely nowhere. Thankfully they had arrived just outside the village gates. 

A shinobi with spiky dark hair and a burn scar across one side of his face and neck chuckled as he okayed Jaraiya and Jamesie's entry to Konoha. He stopped laughing though when he was rapt upside the head by a somewhat annoyed authoress, who had run out of coffee yet again. Sighing the ever pleasant Raidou ran off to bring Smurf more of that wonderful caffinated beverage that she held so dear.

Just as they entered the village, something caught Jamesie's eye, or should she say someone. Standing there looking very out of place- at least to her- was Kankuro. It struck her as odd that he should be standing there sipping on Starbucks when it had absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with the story. She looked in the general direction of the authoress and gave her a glare that would have even frightened the pants off of the Fourth (not that scaring him was the only way to get his pants off, I mean he was a student of Jaraiya's, and he had been the sensei of Hatake Kakashi, so he was undeniably just as perverted and willing to remove his pants as either of them). The glare worked on the authoress and she obediently began typing out the rest of the chapter, while muttering about uppity OC's ruining all of her fun. Like magic Kankuro vanished from the scene, and in his place were none other than Mary-Sue and Sasuke.

Mary-Sue seemed to be comforting the boy, something that made alarm bells go off in Jamesie's brain. Consulting her ever-handy book of the Narutoverse, Jamesie frowned. Sasuke was supposed to be tangled up in bed sheets with Naruto by now, not strolling Konoha arm-in-arm with a Mary-sue named Mary-Sue! Yes, that was how it was supposed to go! Naruto and Sasuke were supposed to have totally spontaneous, author planned, mind blowing, sweaty sex and get caught afterwards snuggling with one another by their pink-haired former teammate thus driving her to one of three options; option one, suicide, option two, Lee, or option three, Ino!

Slapping her forehead Jamesie grabbed Jaraiya by the hand and led him over to the pair. She scowled at Mary-Sue, who had the decency to look mildly startled at seeing her blond haired, little sister. Jamesie's frown didn't dissipate one little bit as she stood there tapping her foot impatiently. Realizing that she wouldn't get Mary-Sue to give up just by demanding it, the cat-girl formed a plan. How she arrived at such a plan, not even the authoress knows, but arrive at it, she did. Jamesie looked at Jaraiya, and ordered him to stay and 'help' to look for the missing Kyuubi container, while she would go and finish up some unfinished business with the Fifth. Now, by that she meant that she would secretly go in search of the uber-cute blond boy herself, and that she didn't want Jaraiya to slow her up, or to leave Mary-Sue alone with Sasuke if it was at all avoidable.

As the group parted ways Jamesie began her search, she used her feline senses to find the place that smelled the most like Mary-Sue, and find it she did. The cozy house in the center of the village, the one that still belonged to Mary-Sue was where the smell was most prominent, well other than if she were sniffing Mary-Sue herself, but that would have been stupid, not to mention weird. She broke into the house, which is to say that she used the front door that Mary-Sue had conveniently forgotten to lock, and began her search for the boy.

Sniffing out the fox was actually pretty easy, she found him (still unconscious) in the coat closet. Sighing, and shaking her head at her siblings unoriginal choice of hiding place, Jamesie lifted the boy up and carried him to the hospital where they could no doubt counteract whatever sedative Mary-Sue had slipped him. Once she had done that she rushed to find Sasuke, Mary-Sue, and, yes, even Jaraiya. Upon finding them she explained that she had found Naruto at the hospital, feeling rather icky. Sasuke, upon hearing this news beat the all time speed record for getting to the Konoha hospital, leaving behind a seething Mary-Sue and a very confused Sennin.

And once again the evil Mary-Sue was thwarted, but she knew that there was always next time…

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**End Chapter Two!**

_**Next Chapter:** In Which Sakura Makes Her Choice

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**And now for a long ass author's note!**

Haha! I bet you thought the silver haired shinobi was going to be Kakashi.

Mwhahahahahaha! I'm crazy, and just so you all know; character death means nothing to me! Because in my pathetic brain I make the rules! I can alter anything I damn well feel like! Now back to your regularly scheduled A/N.

I would like to thank my reviewers, Motion Sickness andDead Uchiha! This Chapter is dedicated to you because you actually took the time to review, and you offered up Oreo's! I am forever grateful!

_:Throws self atreviewer's feet, and starts bawling:_"THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!"

I would also like to take this time out to thank you for, and respond to, your other reviews.

**Smurf:** (_Looks at Gaara_) What are you waiting for? The sand to melt? (_Factoid: that would make glass for those of you who don't know_) Make sure Dead Uchiha is comfortable! NOW (_Gets scary fiery aura around entire being_)! Would you like an Oreo? (_Looks at Dead Uchiha and smiles real kawaii-like_.) LEE, YOU TOO! SEE TO MOTION SICKNESS RIGHT AWAY!

**Lee:** HAI! RIGHT AWAY! (_goes to see if Motion Sicness would care for anything_)

**Gaara:** (_Grumbles_) You wouldn't talk to Kankuro that way!

**Smurf:** Of course I would (_turns to Kankuro_). Kankuro, stop playing with your face paint and bring us some coffee and Oreo's RIGHT NOW! (_Turns back to Gaara with an innocent look on her face_) See?

**Gaara & Kankuro:** _(Grumble as they do as told)_ Well, at least she didn't sick that Richard Simmons dude on us.

**Kakashi:** (_pops out of nowhere_) Yeah, that dude's fruitier than Gai-sensei!

**Gai:** (_pops out of nowhere and strikes nice guy pose_) SUCH A HIP STATEMENT! SO COOL, SO MODERN! THAT IS WHY YOU ARE MY ETERNAL AND MOST HONORED RIVAL!

**All (excepting Gai):** (_sweat drop_)

Okay! Back to the responding! Lets take this one by one shall we?

Motion Sickness! Yay! You found one of my fics! Woo-hoo!

:Does happy dance: I'm very glad that you liked it!

Dead Uchiha;

Your review for **_Just The Fact That She Does_** made me very happy as I doubt any one other than you and the two other reviewers have read it. It was a sort of collaboration between Janey and myself.

Basically Janey said: "You know, I don't think that Ibiki guy has ever gotten laid. Hey! That's a good idea for a fic! Smurf, write it!" And so I did, I wrote it for her at her request, but apparently it wasn't enough for her. She wanted to mentally scar the rest of the community with the smutty images of Ibiki, which the fic portrays. She spent days trying to convince me to post it, and finally I broke down. (I am sooo weak!)

Next!

Your review to _**A Misunderstanding Of The Feet** _really boosted my confidence. Have I mentioned the fact that you rock yet? I was so worried nobody would like that one! _Beams, blushes, and glomps Dead Uchiha_ Janey said it was dumb, but I posted it anyway. And I'm glad I did.

Aw- you mean I don't get a detailed list of every thing you liked about I the fic? Pouts Well, I guess since you actually reviewed it I can let you off the hook. But if you're so inclined you could always e-mail me with praise. I love praise; it makes me feel warm and fluffy feelings! LOL.

And Lastly….

Your reviews for **_From The Floppy Called Subversive _**have made me decide not to delete it, and continue with the story. Lets see, after these chapters there are seven more plus an epilogue. So, YAY! More randomness!

I'm also working on some other things so be on the look out!

I hope you've both enjoyed this chapter, and continue to enjoy the rest of them in good heath and humor.

Hugs and Oreos!

Smurf.


	4. Chapter Three: In Which Sakura Makes Her...

**Warning:** The following fic may be too random for some readers.

**A/N:** I'm Smurf, and I would like to thank you all for reading the fic thus far! This is one of the shortest chapters in this particular fic, and it's filler. It has no real importance.

**Disclaimer:** Standard disclaimers apply.

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**From the Floppy Called Subversive  
**_By: Smurf_

**Chapter Three: In Which Sakura Makes Her Choice**

Things were definitely not going as the pink haired medic-nin had planned. In her mind she and Sasuke should be planning out the perfect little white wedding, and buying a house with enough room to house both them and the brood of little Sakura and Sasuke's she had imagined them having together since the day she had first laid eyes on him at the Academy. Instead, here she was, all alone sitting in the hall of the hospital room, which was currently occupied by both of her former teammates.

She had arrived at the hospital, quite some time after first hearing that Naruto had been poisoned with some sort of super knockout drug. She had walked down the halls and to the room where she had been informed Naruto was resting, only to be in time to hear Sasuke and Naruto speaking to one another in hushed tones. When she poked her head inside the door she had nearly fainted!

There, laying in a tangle of arms, legs, and hospital bed sheets, were her loud, hyper, blond teammate, and the dark haired, brooding, man of her dreams. Uchiha Sasuke and Uzumaki Naruto were in bed, naked, cuddling! Vaguely Sakura thought about how right it seemed, while battling with her sudden depression, and Inner-Sakura was torn between homicidal outrage and the strange urge to find a camcorder and videotape the whole thing, maybe even ask for an encore performance of their earlier activities just so that she could capture it on film for posterity.

It was then that a blond girl with cat ears and a tail sat down beside her and showed her a funny looking book called the Laws of the Naruto-verse. She opened it to the section under the heading Haruno Sakura, and pointed out her three options. Sakura thought on it a moment. Suicide was far too messy, and Lee was… well, LEE! That left only one option; Ino, and somehow that seemed just about right.

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**End Chapter Three!**

**Next Chapter:** _In Which Shikamaru is Lazy and Chouji Eats_

Thanks for reading!  
Smurf!


	5. Chapter Four: In Which Shikamaru Is Lazy

**Warning: **The Following fic may be too random for some readers.

**Disclaimer:** The serialhugger collective doesn't own any characters, trademarks, etc. that you, the reader, may recognize. We do own a handful of OC's (err- okay so I, being Smurf, own them.) but that's all we own. Just to reiterate, we don't own anything except the OC's. With that said, you cannot sue us… we don't think.

**A/N:** I'm an aunt! For the third time! My brother's fiancée just had a baby boy! That makes three nephews for Smurf! He was born at 2:54pm May 27th. **(Does happy I'm an Aunty dance)**

**Summary: **More randomness than you can shake a stick at. Janey & Eric were going through some of my computer discs and came across this. It was on the disc labeled, **_'Subversive Muses and Brain Farts Of Massive Proportions'_**.

'**I'm thinking.'** _"I'm talking."_ I'm narrating.

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**From the Floppy Called Subversive  
**_By Smurf

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_**Chapter Four: In Which Shikamaru Is Lazy And Chouji Eats**

Things had not been going well for Jamesie the Cat-girl; she now had to deal with a manically giggling authoress, a Sennin who refused to believe that she wasn't a Mary-Sue, custom made just for use in his own perverted pastimes, and a Mary-Sue type sibling who was once again on the run. Now if only there were a way to cut back on her problems. Ah, yes! A sly smile crossed the blond girl's face.

"_Jaraiya-pervert, I heard Tsunade-sama saying she and some of the village kunouchi were going to the bathhouse to-"_ she didn't even need to finish her sentence. The perverted old pacifist was out of her sight within seconds, his trusty notebook in hand. Still smiling she left a sticky note on her creator's keyboard to write in a bathhouse scene for the king of the perverts. Then she headed back to the BBQ place for some lunch. After all she couldn't come up with a plan to thwart her big sister's next attempt at disrupting the fandom on an empty stomach.

Upon entering the BBQ place she saw none other than Asuma, the chain-smoking bearded Jounin-sensei of team ten (I think, lol, I can never remember if it's 9 or 10, and I'm too lazy to look it up), and his students- well minus Ino, who had disappeared with Sakura at some point last night and still hadn't reappeared. Jamesie felt a giggle fit of her own coming on as she remembered exactly why both Ino and Sakura were M.I.A. Of course she wasn't about to go spilling the beans, nope because that would ruin the Shika/Chou story arc, and that wasn't something she cared to do in the least. She was rather fond of the Nara- Akimichi pairings the fandom had to offer.

Meanwhile elsewhere, Neji and Hinata were cementing their relationship, and defying the shy girls father, while Sasuke and Naruto were having some quality shower time, and Sakura and Ino were in a private area of the bathhouse, enjoying some one on one time. Only it was more one-on-one-on-one time as Jaraiya had managed to stumble across the pair and was busy composing his newest book. He made a mental note to thank his feline friend, and then went back to copying down everything he was witnessing.

* * *

Mary-Sue was being a good girl for once, sitting at her desk in the study of her home, going over her list of hotties in the fandom. She needed to find someone to glomp on to, and fast! Her reputation as a Mary-Sue was at stake.

Well, there was Kakashi, but he was away on a mission and wasn't expected back for a few days yet, which meant that he'd probably show up at some point next week.

Iruka? Nope, it was no fun stealing him away when the other half of that particular story arc wasn't even there to bear witness to it.

Izumo and Kotetsu were never apart. Besides, she doubted someone with two X chromosomes could ever actually turn either of them on. And if by some off chance it did happen, they would almost certainly commit ritual suicide after crying their eyes out as they apologized to one another.

Raidou? No, he'd know she was up to something, because she had no doubt that the authoress would tell the scarred man about her evil Mary-Sue ways. Evil authoress; talk about favoritism!

Genma? Now there was a thought, but he didn't strike her as the type to fall for a Mary-Sue.

There was Itachi, but she'd have to find him first, and she was working within the confines of a time limit, everything had to be done by the end of this chapter.

"_Gah! Whom else can I get?" _she continued down the list.

Shino? No way! That would involve bugs, and she wasn't that desperate… yet.

Lee? Umm… no. No, no, no, and no.

Gai? That was a big HELL NO! She didn't want to tarnish her status as a high-ranking member of the E.M.S.S. (otherwise known as the Evil Mary Sue Syndicate)

Kiba? Hmmm- possibly, he was a little loud but she could work with that. She'd come back to him later if she couldn't find somebody better.

Konohamaru. He was a little too young still. Damn.

Aoba. Nope, not going to happen. He just wasn't her type.

Ebisu. Wait. What? No!

Ibiki. Umm- no. Besides, he was probably still hanging out in that other serialhugger fic, Just the Fact That She Does, corrupting everyone who reads it with smutty images. The sadist!

Asuma. Well he was a possibility, but did she really want beard burn? Why was finding a suitable target so difficult?

Oh wait! Asuma had students! Asuma had male students. Two if she remembered correctly. Or rather, they had been his students at one point, and they still hung out together. It was perfect! Now who were his former students again?

Ah, yes, one Akimichi Chouji, and one Nara Shikamaru. Perfect! She had just found the newest love of her life!

"_Yes! He will be mine, and this time NOTHING will stop me! **Bwhahahahahahahahahahaha**!"_ Mary-Sue's maniacal laughter could be heard all the way in the Sound, where even Orochimaru shuddered at the evil tone. Well he did more than just shudder, the poor snake man actually leapt into Kabuto's arms and trembled like a little girl who had just been frightened by a particularly nasty looking spider.

* * *

Back at the BBQ place Jamesie shuddered. No doubt her sister had come up with yet another evil plot to secure herself a hot shinobi boy toy. She waved farewell to Asuma, Chouji, and Shikamaru as she went forth to discover her sisters plan, and once again do battle with the most feared force of the E.M.S.S.

Chouji and Shikamaru also took that opportunity to say good day to their former sensei, and go cloud watching, and chip eating. Asuma had smiled, a knowing smile, and waved so long as he watched his former students leave the restaurant. He knew that today was going to be the day that Shikamaru and Chouji finally realized that they were more than just best friends. Still that evil maniacal laughter they had heard earlier had left him with an odd sense of foreboding. Shaking his head, the bearded man lit a cigarette and shrugged off the odd sensation. Nothing could interfere with the Shika/Chou plotline.

* * *

Mary-Sue was rather pleased with herself. Not only was her intended victim cute, but he was smart too! Screw smart; he had an IQ of 200! He was a bloody genius! She spotted him and his companion, a certain super-sized butterfly; perched atop a hill, bag of chips between them. Said butterfly was munching away happily, while her beloved genius was lazily watching the clouds as they rolled slowly by.

Making sure there were no other sinobi in the area, Mary-Sue launched into her evil plan. She had made herself look as if she had been attacked; her clothes were sullied and torn.

'**Anything for love,'** she reminded herself.

Her skin was dirty, and she had a few bruises left over from her previous attempts at shinobi snaring so it made things look even more realistic. She quickly put on her save-me-I'm-a-poor-innocent-victim face and began running up the hill staggering slightly to add an air of authenticity.

When she reached the top of the hill she looked over at the dark haired Nara boy and whispered in her best breathless Mary-Sue type voice, _"Save me,"_ before she collapsed in front of him in an oh so tragic manner.

Shikamaru raised himself up on his elbows to look at the fallen girl. His eyes softened slightly, and he shifted his position even more, so that he was now sitting upright, instead of lying on his back enjoying the clouds.

"_Che. Too troublesome,"_ he muttered and reached over for a chip.

As he did so his hand brushed against Chouji's and a spark of something electrifying, and wonderful shot up his arm and coursed through his body, causing a slight blush to bloom on his cheeks, and a funny fluttering sensation to occur in his stomach, while his heart slammed against his ribcage in the most enjoyable way. He looked into his husky friend's face, and noticed that the Akimichi boy was also sporting a blush and dazed expression.

"_Ch- Chouji…"_ he murmured leaning so that he could get closer to the other boy. He leaned in further, lips less than a hairs breadth apart from the other boys. What was happening? Shikamaru could feel his body trembling, but not in a terrified sort or way. It was in a nerve wracking, breathtaking, incredible sort of way. Oh he was scared too, what it Chouji rejected him? That would definitely suck, not to mention how troublesome it would be afterward. But what if… what if he didn't?

"_Sh- Shika…"_ the dark blond Akimichi steeled his nerve, and closed the remaining distance between them, kissing his best friend with every ounce of emotion that he could muster. The dark haired Nara did the same.

Mary-Sue who had been waiting for her shinobi in dark fishnet to save her bolted to her feet. She glared darkly at the two boys who were now making out quite contentedly. Her expression darkened and she let out a scream of primal rage, then proceeded to stomp off muttering about stupid genius lazy assed leaf nin's, and their dumb fat assed butterfly leaf nin best friends.

In a tree overlooking the hill, Jamesie's soft laughter could be heard. Mary-Sue had been stopped yet again, and this time the cat-girl hadn't even had to lift a single finger.

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**End Chapter Four! **

_**Next up: **In which Puppy Love And Fleas Are Involved.

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_

**Response Time!**

Wow! Thanks for the nice reviews, and the Oreo's!

**:hugs reviewers:**

I love reviews.

I especially love long reviews! Thank you Dead Uchiha. Oh, and I must agree the fourth is Friggin' SQUEE! And so is Obito!

**:Drools: **

Motion Sickness; I forgive you:: **accepts all bribes for forgiveness and offers to share with reviewers:**

HatakeKakashi22; So... do I get that Oreo now? Please? **:proceedes to beg:**

**Well that's it for now!

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**

**Hugs and Oreos!**

**Smurf!**


	6. In Which Puppy Love And Fleas Are Involv

**Warning:** This fic contains unnatural levels of randomness. Continue at your own risk.

**Disclaimer: **If you recognize it from somewhere else I probably don't own it, so don't sue me thanks!

'**I'm thinking.' **_"I'm talking."_ I'm narrating.

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**From the Floppy Called Subversive  
**_By; Smurf

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**Chapter Five: In Which Puppy Love And Fleas Are Involved** _

Mary-Sue couldn't believe it! Someone had actually been able to resist her and her Mary Sue wiles; it wasn't possible! No. She refused to believe it. There had to be some sort of logical explanation. Perhaps the angle of the sun had been unflattering, or maybe the boy needed glasses. Yes! That had to be it! He simply hadn't been able to see how positively glorious, and innocent, and in need of his protection and love she was because he suffered from acute astigmatism, and he hadn't been wearing his glasses, or contacts or what ever it was that he wore. Wait! Shikamaru didn't wear glasses. Well, he sure did seem to need them especially if he thought that Chouji was a better choice than her.

She smiled now that she had uncovered the reason for her failure, and at the fact that she had successfully dodged the various sharp projectiles that the authoress had managed to throw her way for insulting Chouji. Mary-Sue turned and scowled at Raidou, who had given the cranky authoress said sharp projectiles, before stamping her foot like a petulant child and tuning on her heel to head out in search of a new project to get her through the day. As she slammed the door, she was vaguely aware of Raidou instructing the authoress that if she were to drop her shoulder just a little bit more her aim would be much improved.

Once more Mary-Sue found herself in a right state. Everyone was against her! Well, she'd show them. Oh, yes, she would most definitely show them. She was Mary-Sue! She was the daughter of the famed Sugar-rush and Insomnia! She was a member in good standing of the E.M.S.S.! She was going to get an uber-sexy leaf shinobi boy toy no matter what! She may have failed to ensnare that gorgeous Hyuuga, and that handsome Uchiha, and even that intelligent lazy bum Nara, but Mary-Sue had a back up. She had meant it when she said that she was going to get back to Kiba if she couldn't find someone better, and she was getting desperate. It was either the canine ninja or the bug master, and Mary-Sue did not DO bugs.

* * *

The former team eight, meaning Kiba, Akamaru, and Shino were waiting for the final member of their team. Hyuuga Hinata was late. She was supposed to be the medic for their team on this away mission to Mud country, which was somewhere near Earth country. It was a small country that had been made up by some random fan fic author in order to fill in a space on Kakashi's old map. Yet another of many strange things that one could find if they ever got a hold of Jamesie's copy of the Laws of the Naruto-verse. However it was the only copy ever printed, and it had been given to her directly from Smurf who had written and illustrated the whole thing during her coffee break at work some several weeks before the revolution for control of her brain had began.

Damn, pesky, seditious muses.

They had been waiting for nearly twenty minutes when the third member of their team rushed up to them. Only it wasn't Hyuuga Hinata. It was someone else. Someone whom they were sure they hadn't met before, but were positive that they had seen around.

Kiba, ever polite (note the sarcasm) was the first to greet the new arrival, _"Who the hell are you?"_ he asked.

The girl seemed un-phased by the Inuzuka boy's rude salutations, and offered him an all too sweet smile that would have given even the most ardent brusher's and flosser's cavities the size of Tucson.

"_I'm U-"_she stopped herself before she blew her cover with her old assumed name. _"Umemoto Mary-Sue!"_ she silently thanked Kami-sama and Smurf for blessing her with a quick mind. _"I was sent to replace Hyuuga-san, she couldn't make it. But don't worry, I'm a good medic!"_

Mary-Sue absentmindedly shifted her backpack, which contained some extra clothes, her E.M.S.S. all-purpose tool kit, and a book entitled Medic Jutsu's For Dummies. And without further ado the trio headed off on their way.

Or rather that's what would have happened if a certain OC cat-girl hadn't jumped out of nowhere and insisted upon going with them in order to escape a silver haired Sennin who was acting as Mary-Sue as a non-Mary-Sue character can act. She simply had to get away! He was everywhere she went. The poor cat-girl was unaccustomed to dealing with perverted old hermits, and she couldn't wait to get back to the sanctity of Smurfs mind once the muses siege had ended and this fic finally came to an end. Ah yes, back to her quiet little corner of Smurf's mind where she could live alone in peace with all of her deliciously yaoi doujinshi's.

Hey, she said perverted OLD hermits. She wasn't old, so she hadn't lied. Sheesh! Good grief, doesn't anybody ever listen when Kakashi's preaching about looking underneath the underneath?

The four headed out on their mission to Mud country; this time for real.

Mud country was… well, muddy. And Mary-Sue didn't like it at all, however she kept reminding herself that a little (or a lot) of mud was a small price to pay in order to get a hot new boy toy. Inuzuka Kiba was her last resort until Kakashi got back from his mission. Then she could decide who would be more fun to steal, the scarecrow, or the dolphin. Or she could always go in search of Itachi, or even move to Wind country and attach herself to Gaara. However doing either of those was like admitting that she couldn't make it in Fire country. And she REFUSED to admit that SHE had FAILED at ANYTHING! It was never (and she did mean NEVER) her fault. She was Mary-Sue. The fault always lay with others, and never with her.

Jamesie had her nose stuck in her funny looking little book attempting to come up with some way to keep Mary-Sue from fulfilling her life mission of snagging herself an honest to goodness Naruto-verse hottie, the rarest, and most illusive of breeds. Though everyone's favorite blond feline didn't show it, she was worried this time. Kiba, as everyone who had ever stumbled across the Naruto-verse knew, was an easy target for Mary-Sue's. He was susceptible to flattery, and any number of other E.M.S.S. certified tricks. He was also probably the easiest to get to as he was renowned the fan-fic universe over as being the horniest of the former rookie nine. Maybe it was because of his animal nature, or maybe he had managed to spend enough time around Kakashi and Jaraiya to become corrupted by their pervert tendencies. Who knew really what made the dog boy a walking target for all available Mary-Sue's within fifty yards, whatever it was he was like a walking billboard that proclaimed 'Take Me I'm Easy'.

Shino was obviously displeased with how things were going. Somewhere deep down inside of him, in the very essence that was Shino, he knew that this was wrong. Kiba was supposed to be with him, not some Umemoto Mary-Sue. Who named their kid Mary-Sue anyway? He glanced over at their feline companion; maybe there was something in that little book of hers that would help him, he could at least ask, or send one of his beloved bugs over to see if the book could be of any use, that way he could avoid speaking all together.

* * *

The mission had been a success! They had retrieved the scroll that they were after, and Mary-Sue had managed to worm her way into Kiba's heart, not to mention his arms. Jamesie couldn't believe that she had failed.

Akamaru had taken to keeping company with his mortal enemy the cat-girl, because at least she didn't smell like a combination of helpless (but not really) female and evil. Besides the Aburame boy was found more and more often in said cat's company, and the oh so adorable dog loved the bug master to pieces. Hell if he were his master he'd be trying to hump Shino's leg right this very moment, not sniffing after some author-inserted character. Besides, the dark haired girl was no fun! She was afraid of bugs.

"_Wait, what was that you said Akamaru?"_ the cat girl looked at the dog whose head was cradled in her lap. The dog rolled his eyes and repeated his little rant starting with his thoughts about how incredibly sexy and mysterious Shino was, and ending with the many reasons he disliked Mary-Sue, including the fact that she was afraid of bugs.

A wicked glint appeared in the cat-girls eyes, and a smile that seemed to match appeared on her face. She turned to Shino and began to whisper things- what exactly the authoress cannot say as she was too busy begging HatakeKakashi22 for the Oreo that had been promised to her- in to his ear.

Some several hours later the group reentered Konoha. Shino, with Kiba's arm snaked securely about his waist in a very possessive gesture. Kiba, with Akamaru by his side, a happy expression on both dog and masters face. Jamesie behind them with a satisfied smirk settled across her features, and her nose stuck in that fascinating funny looking book she always carried around.

Where was Mary-Sue you might ask? She was a few feet ahead of them, itching like crazy, and screeching about dogs, how she didn't DO bugs, and needing a flea bath. Ah, yes, it was a good day in the Naruto-verse, a very good day indeed.

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**End Chapter!**

**Up Next:** _In which Tenten & Temari Come To Terms With Each Other

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_

**A/N: **This Chapter didn't turn out how I wanted, but oh well, I'm to lazy to alter it anymore than I already have.

Hope you enjoyed this chapter!

**

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Hugs and Oreos!  
_Smurf!_**


	7. In Which Tenten And Temari Come To Terms...

**Warning:** This chapter contains randomness and other such things, which may be unsuitable for some readers. Continue at your own risk.

**Disclaimer: **If you've seen it someplace else we probably don't own it, so please don't rush to call your lawyers, as we have admitted that we don't own it, and we have nothing of any monetary value which may compensate for any copywrite laws we have accidentally infringed upon. Thank you for your cooperation.

**A/N:** This chapter is once again femme-slash filler. It has no real importance to the plotline or anything else relevant to the fic. It is here just to fill some space, and possibly milk a few more reviews.

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**From the Floppy Called Subversive**  
_By; Smurf

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_

**Chapter Six: In Which Tenten And Temari Come to Terms With Each Other**

Tenten wanted more than anything to strangle the authoress of this particular fic, and then use her body as a training dummy, upon which she would practice her already perfect aim. How could Smurf do this to her? Sure the coffee loving, Oreo-addict had assured her that she had only done what she had done because the script of the next chapter required it, but Tenten didn't believe that. Nope, she didn't believe it, not one little bit, because she knew the truth.

Smurf liked Temari better than her!

Tenten was seething as she watched Smurf write the sand siblings into the fic. It was because Temari had bested her in the Chuunin exams all those many years ago. She just knew it! No matter how much the stressed out typist denied it, Tenten knew the truth.

Temari was looking over Smurf's completed version of the fic, helping the typist to correct and or tweak anything that needed it. She was also trying to avoid Tenten. Some how she just didn't like the idea of Smurf and Tenten getting to spend time alone with each other. If that happened then Tenten might become Smurfs friend, and that would just be bad. Tenten was NOT allowed to be left alone with Smurf!

Smurf was becoming aggravated at the two kunouchi, and had decided that she would put an end to it right then and there. She needed the sand siblings in Konoha for the next chapter (plus it gave her an excuse to finagle some alone time with her favorite puppet master) and she couldn't very well have two of the more minor characters in this fan fiction at each others throats because they were jealous of one another.

Smurf did the first thing that came to mind. She hit the 'create new document' icon, and rapidly began to type out a hastily put together Tem/Ten one-shot drabble/ brain-fart. Before either of the nin's had realized what was going on the sneaky authoress saved the document to disc, and thusly avoided a probable disaster by turning the bickering rivals into a fluffy shoujo-ai couple.

Within seconds of the document being saved Temari and Tenten realized how perfect they were for one another and headed off to do what ever it is couples do when they finally realize the depth of their feelings for each other.

Gods, how Smurf loved the fan-fic universe and all of the freaky laws that came along with it!

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**End Chapter!**  
**Up Next:** _In Which Fuzzy Meets Frightening_

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**Hugs and Oreos!  
**_Smurf!_


	8. Chapter Seven: InWhich Fuzzy Meets Frigh...

**Warning:** The following fic contains scenes of randomness, Evil Mary-Sue's, plot holes, and other such fundamentals of bad fiction, which may be unsuitable for some readers. Continue at your own risk. You have been warned.

**A/N:** Again, this chapter is one of the longer ones in this fic, but it's still kind of short. **:Shrugs:**

**Summary:** More randomness than you can shake a stick at.

**Disclaimer:** I'm too lazy to type out a whole bunch of legal jargon, so I will simply state that all standard disclaimers apply.

**Dedication:** To Dead Uchiha and Motion Sickness; you make me want to bring the funny. This Chapter was uploaded with you in mind.

'**I'm thinking.'** _"I'm talking."_ I'm narrating.

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**From the Floppy Called Subversive  
_By; Smurf_ **_(a member in good standing of the serialhugger collective)

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_

**Chapter 7:** **In Which Fuzzy Meets Frightening**

The Sand Trio was, by now, used to being written into various fan fictions, some angsty, some humorous, others fluffy or smutty, or even scary as the case may be. But never before had they seen anything like this. This was just a bunch of random situations being slapped together hastily as the authoress fought for control over her mind, and an escaped Mary-Sue ran amuck! Yes, they had done their homework, reading the first two or three installments of the freaky fic before being forcibly thrown into the plot themselves.

Temari, upon arrival in Konoha, had spotted a certain pretty-eyed, brown haired, weapons master. Instantaneously a lovesick, glazed over, dreamy expression took possession of her face, as she headed off to frolic with said weapons master. Her brothers even thought that they had heard her let out an Ino-like squeal of delight, but they couldn't be positive as at the same time the authoress was making a lot of noise with her favorite coffee grinder (the powder blue one that she had put a sticker of Brainy Smurf on), while singing the universal coffee addicts anthem.

Both brothers looked at one another and shrugged. Or rather, Kankuro shrugged, and Gaara grunted out something that sounded suspiciously like "…Hn," before coming to the conclusion that theirs was not to question the laws, plotlines, and/or other fiction related things having to do with the fan-fic universe. They didn't have to understand it after all, just live in it. And live in it they would. Besides the only way to get out of being a part of said universe was to become unpopular with the fans, and there was no chance of that ever happening (authoress knocks on wood).

Simply standing out in the middle of the street seemed stupid, so the brothers began to walk around the village, making sure to pass by a certain centrally located house several times, just as the chapter demanded that they do. Gaara was about to order Kankuro to go get them some coffee (a vice that Smurf had thrust upon them without mercy), and something to eat as well, when he noticed that his older brother was no longer at his side.

'**Odd,'** he thought to himself, but shrugged it off; this was after all the Naruto-verse and strange things were known to happen for no reason whatsoever.

Just what did happen to Kankuro you ask? He fell into a conveniently placed, Kankuro sized, plot hole and landed nicely in Smurf's lap, managing to tip her chair over backward so that they wound up in a slightly awkward- yet not un-enjoyable- horizontal position, which the authoress was determined to take full advantage of. Thus the rest of the chapter was left to pretty much write itself. Not the best of ideas when one had an agent of the E.M.S.S. running about the place. But the authoress, however, was in full fan-girl mode and as such, was incapable of any kind of logical thought.

Where was Spock when you needed him? GAH! Not back to the whole Star Trek thing again! Wrong fandom, damn it! Do you see what happens when a fic is left to develop on its own? Huh? Well, do you?

* * *

Mary-Sue was now fully satisfied that her flea problems were over and done with. And she had just finished up sending a rather long and involved e-mail to the E.M.S.S. headquarters c/o the anime/manga division detailing the need to add some sort of device to the Mary-Sue All-Purpose Tool Kit that would disallow fleas (or any form of bug for that matter) from getting within ten feet of a Mary-Sue and her intended victim/love interest. The thing hadn't been as all-purpose as it had claimed.

Damn mendacious tool kit!

Now she was without a Naruto-verse boy toy! Kakashi still wasn't back from his mission, so she couldn't even meddle in the Kaka/Iru story arc! She had a sneaking suspicion that the authoress had somehow managed to draw out the masked man's mission just so that she couldn't get her Mary-Sue type paws on the pale shinobi. Damn authoress and her love of kaka/Iru smut!

Stupid Smurf!

But wait, what was this? Her Mary-Sue sense was tingling! She crept over to the window in order to get a look at the male specimen whom had caused her freaky Mary-Sue type powers to activate. All thoughts of fleas were shoved aside as she saw whom it was that had set her Mary-Sue sense to tingling. Standing there, turning his head as if he were looking for something, or someone was that delectable, redheaded, homicidal, shinobi, Gaara of the Sand.

"_Oh, Kami-sama, THANK YOU!"_ squealed the dark haired escaped OC. _"Someone up there must really like me!" _

In truth it was more probable that someone up there simply had a rather personal vendetta against the blond, coffee loving, Oreoaholic of an authoress. But that fact is neither here nor there, and as it has nothing to do with this fic we shall ignore it and get back to what really matters.

Inside Mary-Sue's thoughts went a lot like this; **'Target identified, sighted, and locked!'**

Poor Gaara; he had just become the latest target of the hottie seeking missile that was our very own Mary-Sue (Well, at least we know that Mary-Sue has good taste in ninjas).

* * *

Somewhere else in Konoha, Jamesie was perched on a tree branch reading up on the Laws of the Naruto-verse, and trying desperately to ignore a certain silver haired Sennin. It was working rather well too, up until his pervert persona got the best of him and he managed to get in a good and gratifying- at least for himself- grope.

Later on Tsunade would tell him that she was at least glad he had enjoyed himself, because the blond kitty had nearly been his death. Then she would heave a sigh, and ask him if a fully clothed grope was really worth losing his life over.

To which the perverted old man would reply, _"But what a way to go!"_ Then he would let out a sigh of his own (one of the dreamy variety), and get a goofy smile on his face.

And then, for the second time this chapter, Jaraiya would nearly forfeit his life, as the enraged, large breasted, Fifth Hokage hit him with all of her freaky strength, sending him flying through six rather thick walls, a closed door, and two trees. After which, Tsunade merely dusted off her hands, and began to insult her perverted former teammate loudly, and in great detail.

But again, this fic is beginning to stray from the plot, so lets get back to the actual story, shall we?

After pummeling Jaraiya, Jamesie headed to Mary-Sue's quaint looking little house. She wanted to be certain that her annoying sibling wasn't off attempting to seduce some poor, unsuspecting, resident of the Naruto-verse with her Mary-Sue-ish charm. However, Mary-Sue was nowhere to be found; a fact, which on its own was alarming, but once you added to it the fact that a book entitled, **How To Mary-Sue Your Way Into Gaara's Pants & 50 Other Things Every Stalker Should Know**, was discarded haphazardly on the living room coffee table, it became a full scale, code red, warning of impending doom!

'**Must find Gaara! Must stop Mary-Sue!' **were the only coherent thoughts in the cat-girl's frantic mind as she tore out of the house, on to the streets, and through the village, in search of her irritating elder sibling.

* * *

Mary-Sue made a mental note to visit the Konoha Used Book Store more often. That How-to book was amazing! She had learned everything there was to know about snagging herself a homicidal Sand-nin, and had put her new knowledge into practice. The best part was that it seemed to be working. Already she had him apologizing for trying to use his sand coffin technique against her earlier in the day. Hell, he had even let her hug (though glomp would have been a more accurate term) him, and call him Gaa-chan! According to the laws of the fan-fic universe Gaara would become forever hers by the end of this chapter, and she would have succeeded in her evil plot to wreak havoc upon the Naruto-verse.

All hail the freaky powers of an educated (not to mention evil) Mary-Sue!

Jamesie couldn't believe what she had just witnessed. It went beyond the realm of wrong, and verged upon the territory of sinful. For fuck's sake she was certain that it was one of the signs of the apocalypse! Yes that had to be it; the world was coming to an end, because there was no other way Gaara being all mushy with Mary-Sue would make any sort of sense at all. Yes. It was the end of the world, as we know it, only… Jamesie felt far from fine. As a matter of fact she felt anything but. She was aggravated, angry, and more than just a little nauseous.

There had to be a way to reverse the Mary-Sue effect, and break the hold she had over everyone's favorite frightening redhead. She simply had to find it. That was all.

Feeling every bit a failure, Jamesie delved once more into her funny looking little book of Naruto-verse laws, and began to read it from cover to cover, hoping desperately that she could come up with something to save Gaara, from the dark haired, dark eyed, she-devil.

After many hours of research, and several trips to Starbucks, a rather harried looking cat-girl's head, shot up from where it had been buried in her book, and she shouted out, _"EUREAKA!"_

In a flash the cat-girl was gone off to visit the Harry Potter fandom. Hey, if Mary-Sue could do it then so could she. Oh thank the heavens for Naruto-verse law loopholes.

She returned quickly and put her de-Mary-Sue-ification of Gaara plan into action, but first she needed one more thing. The cat-girl sped off in the direction of the training grounds, where she came across the Gai-worshiping, green loving, Rock Lee. There was a hurried explanation of the plan by Jamesie, which was followed by a lot of nice guy posing, pinging teeth, and vows of success (or he would do six-hundred laps around Konoha, backwards, and on his hands, do eight-hundred push-ups, and burn his favorite green training suit- note he didn't say it was his only green training suit).

The two conspirators arrived at their destination in the blink of an eye, what with Lee's tremendous speed, and his ability to drag Jamesie behind him as if she were a person (or in this case cat-girl) sized rag doll. Sitting not to far away from them, were Mary-Sue and Gaara. Everything was set up perfectly. From where Jamesie sat she had an unobstructed shot at the boy from the village hidden in the sand.

Removing a green blow dart from one of her many pockets, Jamesie carefully took aim, and then opened fire, hitting her target in the neck, just where she had been instructed to mark him. Lee used every bit of his super-speed to rush in and scoop up the boy, carrying him off into the distance.

Gaara took one look at the fuzzy eye browed boy who held him, and fell instantly, madly in love, though he wasn't quite as demonstrative as Lee was, after Jamesie hit said green clad boy with a second red coloured dart. Smirking to herself Jamesie made a mental note to thank Professor Snape for his invaluable assistance in thwarting Mary-Sue. Then the blond neko chuckled as she read the label on the package that the two darts had come from.

**Love Potion Number 9-F; For Use On Frightening Redheads And Fuzzy Eye Browed Ninjas Only, To Be Used Only Incase Of A Mary-Sue Emergency. **

And thusly the Naruto-verse was safe once again, at least until Mary-Sue can come up with another nefarious plot. It was also about this time that Smurf and Kankuro emerged from the supply closet they had been occupying for most of the fic, sufficiently disheveled, mussed, and exhausted from their little tryst.

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**End Chapter!**  
**Up Next:** _In Which Cat-Girl Misses Horny Toad And Horny-Toad Misses Cat-Girl_

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_Reviews will be responded to in the final chapter and epilogue._

Hugs and Oreos  
Smurf (the author), Janey & Eric (the perverts).


	9. Chapter Eight: In Which CatGirl Misses H...

**Warning: **The following chapter contains drabble-like fluff, and it's not even the high quality kind!

**Disclaimer:** All standard disclaimers apply.

**A/N: **This Chapter has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the story (Well, not really). Its just filler and its not very humorous. One more chapter to go (plus the epilogue) and then it… it's going to be over! **:sniffles:**

'**I'm thinking.' **_"I'm talking." _I'm narrating.

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**From the Floppy Called Subversive  
**_By; Smurf

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_

Chapter Eight: In Which Cat-Girl Misses Horny-Toad And Horny-Toad Misses Cat-Girl

Tsunade knew it wasn't Jamesie's fault; she didn't even blame it on the authoress (poor thing), who seemed to have lost all control over this fic before it even really began. No, this was all Jiraiya's damn fault! He was the one responsible for his own perverted behavior, which had resulted in her very nearly demolishing her home and some of her landscaping. If he hadn't have groped the cat-girl in the first place, then Anko and Kurenai wouldn't have found him and brought him to her to be fixed up, and then she wouldn't have had become cross with him, or sent him hurdling through her house and yard like some sort of a Sennin wrecking ball, therefore all of the blame rested firmly on his shoulders.

Damn that man to hell! Couldn't he tell jealousy when he saw it? Before Jamesie had entered the picture she was the one who got to pulverize the perverted hermit to within an inch of his sexually deviant life, and she missed that.

That was why she had asked him to do her a big favor, or rather she had informed him that he was going to do her a service and refusal was not an option. She had sent him to go and find Hatake Kakashi, and bring him home. Knowing the masked shinobi he was probably off lost somewhere on the road of life whilst saving a litter of frightened kittens from a group of rampaging sloth's who had been stung by angry honey bees or something of the sort.

* * *

Jaraiya had been gone from Konoha two days when he came across his quarry reading a copy of **Icha Icha Paradise volume 2**, and walking at a very leisurely pace. The Sennin's spirits lifted immediately. One half of mission find Kakashi and bring him back to Konoha was over and done with, now all he had to do was complete the second part of his goal. The last thing he wanted to do was piss off Tsunade, that woman could be scary when peeved. Besides the quicker he finished the 'favor' the quicker he could get back to convincing his lovely pussycat friend to start acting like the Mary-Sue he believed her to be so that they could get down to some honest to goodness smut. After all, the only thing standing in the way of them and some first class adult themed fun- not to mention some grade 'A' research for his latest WIP- was her serious case of Mary-Sue denial.

The old man hadn't even realized that he had been muttering aloud until his much younger companion spoke, _"Are you sure she's a Mary-Sue?"_ Kakashi didn't even bother to look up from his book as he posed the question.

"_What do you mean, am I sure? Of course I'm sure! She's an author-inserted character, and I rescued her after finding her tied up and hanging from a tree branch by her tail,"_ Jaraiya replied.

Kakashi seemed to consider that for a moment. She sure did sound like a Mary-Sue to him. Maybe she really was in denial. The copy-nin shrugged before turning his attention back to his current reading material. Only, in his head the story was a little different. You see, in his mind he imagined himself and an adorable dark haired Chuunin doing the many interesting things contained in the pages of his little book. And suddenly he couldn't wait to get back home to where he could admire said Chuunin from afar.

* * *

Back in Konoha Jamesie was sitting as per usual in a tree, attempting to study her funny looking little book. There were two problems preventing her form doing so though. Firstly she kept sneezing, and secondly… well secondly it felt like there was something missing, although she couldn't quite put her finger on what it was. She was in a comfortable position, she had her book, and her coffee, and for once that perverted Horny-Toad Sennin wasn't there to flirt, grope, or otherwise annoy her.

Oh no! No way. She absolutely refused to believe the thoughts that had just crossed her mind. There wasn't a snowballs chance in hell that she actually missed him! He was old, and perverted, and if that wasn't enough, he irritated her to no end!

Oh who, the bloody hell, was she kidding? She missed him. Somehow in-between the arguments and the pummeling him into unconsciousness he had managed to become her friend, and she missed having him around, even if he had only been gone a few days. Damn! If that wasn't messed up she didn't know what was.

* * *

Upon their return to Konohagakure, Kakashi disappeared in a puff of smoke, and Jaraiya spotted a very cranky looking kitty, who upon sighting him, smiled and rushed over to give him a friendly hug hello. Jaraiya, being Jaraiya, got a little too friendly with the embrace and wound up getting his head abused yet again by the blonds fist. This time though it wasn't half as vicious, he even managed to stay conscious, and he could have sworn that when she had called him a perverted horny-toad, she had smiled… almost as if she had meant it as an endearment instead of an insult.

As he watched her walk away after getting over his initial shock in her change of attitude from Kill to wound slightly, Jaraiya smiled, and murmured almost to himself, _"I missed you too cat-girl, I missed you too."

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**End Chapter!**  
**Up Next:** _In Which the Final Straw Is Reached

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The Fluff! OH GODS THE FLUFF! Forgive me! It wasn't even of the high quality variety. I think that when I originally wrote this chapter my blood caffeine level had dropped to below normal or something, I don't know, but its here, and up for the criticizing.

**:hides behind hands and waits for reviews:

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All reviews will be responded to in the next chapter and epilogue.**

Hugs and Oreos!  
Smurf.


	10. Chapter Nine: In Which The Final Straw I...

**Warning:** This fic contains scenes of randomness, language, and other such situations, which may not be suitable for some readers. It also contains a lot of babbling before the fic, because Eric can talk more than a gossipy old woman at a quilting-bee and we're letting him type the A/N (Please don't hurt us for letting Eric ramble).

**Summary:** More randomness than you can shake a stick at. An out of control Mary-Sue, a Cat-girl, and other such things.

**A/N:** Review responses can be found at the bottom of this chapter. This is the last, and longest, chapter of **From the Floppy Called Subversive**, but there will be an epilogue, and an author's note, which will be cleverly disguised, so that it wont get deleted. Loopholes rock, don't they?

Smurf handles (writes) the serialhugger fan-fic's for the Naruto fandom; if you have anything you want her to try out, or you just feel the need to comment, you can always write it into a review, or you can e-mail her. Check out our profile page for her public e-mail address, just click the little link there that says Email and you'll be able to see it.

Have you noticed that Smurf has an unhealthy obsession with Kankuro? It's because he can manipulate puppets so well, and that means he's extremely talented with his hands (at least that's what she said). But yeah, we asked her why she didn't write a Kankuro fic, and she said it was because she doesn't share well with others.

Factoids: Did you know that Smurf actually almost failed kindergarten because she refused to share with the other students? It's true. She also nearly killed Janey last night for stealing her Chouji blanket (yeah, she got bored one day when she was sick, so she made a blanket with a chibi Chouji eating chips as butterfly's fluttered around him- its actually really erm- nice, I mean Janey was gushing about it's uber-cuteness, so I guess that means its good, right?).

Okay! Smurf and Janey are giving me the evil eye; I think I've made this sufficiently long enough.

**Disclaimer:** The serialhugger collective does not own Naruto or any trademarks or copyrights related thereof. All we own are Smurf's original characters and the story itself. We also don't own anything you, the readers of this fic, may recognize from somewhere else. Please note that we have admitted our non-ownage. This is a work of fan fiction, and as such is non-profit. No money has exchanged hands, and no copyright/ trademark infringement was intended, so please refrain from sicking lawyers on us.

**Dedication: **This chapter is for Dead Uchiha-sama… because I said so! Go read her stories immediately after finishing this fic!

**Break Down Of The Chapters:**

1. Prologue  
2. Ch.1: Neji/Hina, OC/Neji  
3. Ch.2: Sasu/Naru, OC/Sasu  
4. Ch.3: Saku/Ino, Sasu/Naru  
5. Ch.4: Shika/Chou  
6. Ch.5: Kiba/Shino, OC/Kiba  
7. Ch.6: Tem/Ten  
8. Ch.7: Gaa/Lee, OC/Gaa  
9. Ch.8: Tsun/Ji, Ji/OC, Kaka/Iru  
10.Ch.9: Kaka/Iru, OC/Kaka  
11.Epilogue  
12.Author's Note

We had to put that there because someone e-mailed her a little confused as to why she was calling chapter two, chapter one. Just so that everyone is clear, a prologue isn't really a chapter, neither is an epilogue or an author's note. They are merely added bits of (pre/post) story information that add to the coherency or completeness of said fic. Smurf thought it was funny, because she got an e-mail but no review from the person. But she was also ecstatic over the e-mail.

Now, on to the fiction!

'**I'm thinking.'** _"I'm writing."_ I'm narrating.

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**From the Floppy Called Subversive**  
**By:** _Smurf  
_**Posted By:** _Smurf, Janey & Eric _

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_**Chapter Nine: In Which The Final Straw Is Reached  
** (otherwise known as The Iruka Effect)

The house of Mary-Sue, as Jamesie had come to dub it, was unusually calm. Mary-Sue was in the kitchen going over the latest edition of the official Mary-Sue handbook. No doubt in order to kill time in between attempted conquests. The neko really didn't want to have to deal with her sister right at that moment. She could still feel herself blushing, and that goofy kind of half smile refused to leave her face.

Stupid perverted old man, making her blush! Grrr!

Mary-Sue caught a glimpse of the expression on her feline siblings face and let out a girlish squeal, before rushing over to said sibling, and demanding answers to a number of immature questions, most of which she could have answered herself. But hey, cross-examining her already flustered younger sibling would be as good a way to pass the time as any, and it might prove very entertaining to boot. Ah, yes, it was time for the much dreaded one on one sisterly bonding that could be summed up using one hyphenate; it was time for girl-talk!

"_Y- you're BLUSHING! I know that look! I invented that look! Who is it? Oh, it's him isn't it? Of course it's him! He did save you after all, and we are in a fan-fic universe, so it has to be him! Oh my god! I can't believe it! My very own little sister… So? What happened? Tell me! Please? Did he kiss you? Did you like it? Was it nice?" _and it just went on and on, getting continually worse and more embarrassing as it did so. The dark haired girl had glomped on to Jamesie's arm and was leading her up to her bedroom where they could continue their conversation in a more comfortable, and almost slumber party-like environment.

Jamesie had several questions of her own rushing through her mind, all of which were along the same line. None of which she dared to voice out loud. After all, she didn't want to make Mary-Sue more upset with her than she had been already. Seriously, older sisters can be pure evil when they get angry, and this one was already evil to begin with. Once again Jamesie longed for the battle between authoress and muses to come to an end so that she could take both herself and her trouble making older sister back to the sanctity of Smurf's mind.

'**Does Mary-Sue ever just shut up? When will this conversation come to an end? Why isn't it coming to an end? Does Smurf have something against me that makes her want to put me though such torture? Or is the blond typist off ogling that puppet wielding sand-nin yet again? If I stay quiet will she give up? Oh, why oh why oh why isn't this conversation over yet? Why?'** she let out a small groan, and stifled a choked sob.

Ha! As if anything short of acute laryngitis could shut Mary-Sue up. Even then the out of control OC would probably resort to cue cards, or sign language, or even some strange sort of combination of the two methods of voiceless communication.

Damned determined Mary-Sue!

As for the authoress, she was busy at the moment going over reviews, feeling very happy that she hadn't received any bad reviews for her insanity induced fic, drinking pot after pot of coffee, munching on Oreos, and yes, glancing over to ogle her favorite sand-nin, every ten or fifteen seconds or so. Okay, fine! It was every four or five seconds. But so what? Is the frequency of Smurf's ogling really anyone else's business?

Over the next few hours Jamesie was put through hell, although she had to wonder if hell had coffee, as she was forced to undergo an interrogation by her big sister. Well shit, if she had to go through it at least she had coffee, and she knew where Mary-Sue was. As a matter of fact, the whole torture thing came with one hell of a silver lining. As long as Mary-Sue was practicing her interrogation techniques on her, then she couldn't be out causing grave disruptions to the balance of the Naruto-verse. Satisfied with that fact, Jamesie settled down for a long night of torment.

Several attempts were made to win the cat-girl over to the side of the E.M.S.S. all of which were met with a raised blond eyebrow, and a disbelieving grunt. But hey, you couldn't blame a Mary Sue for trying, now could you? No, didn't think so.

The conversation was actually so girlish, that the authoress of this bit of fiction decided to wander off in search of an espresso, and some Oreo ice cream. She had never been one for the girlier aspects of, well, girldom. And hey, if she just happened to run into her favorite Naruto character, and then conveniently forgot to come back and monitor the progress of the chapter in favor of some alone time, then so be it. Mary-Sue was behaving herself, and Jamesie was quite capable of handling things if a situation should arise. Right? Right. So, humming happily the authoress walked away, leaving the two fictional girls to their female bonding moment.

* * *

Elsewhere, in Konoha, a particular silver haired, masked, shinobi was perched upon the branch of a rather advantageously planted tree, admiring the view. It wasn't the landscaping of the area that he was admiring however, nor was it the architecture, what he was focusing on was something quite different indeed. Konohagakure's famed copy-nin was peeping in on the Konoha Ninja Academy's most popular Chuunin instructor, one Umino Iruka, as he changed out of his work clothes and into something more conducive to house work and grading papers.

Such a dedicated teacher, and so domestic too!

Now, why the Chuunin never thought to close his blinds whilst changing clothes, is anyone's guess. Perhaps it was because of his trusting nature, which disallowed him to think that there was a possibility of someone peeping in on him. Or perhaps he was simply too innocent to realize that he was so downright drool worthy, and the crush of several inhabitants of the Naruto-verse. Or it could even have been that he was fully aware that he had an audience and was quite contented to let them enjoy the little peepshow he was putting on.

Ah, Iruka, the man that could inspire voyeuristic tendencies, lovesick glances, and hentai fantasies in even the straightest of men. It was those pretty brown eyes of his… No, wait, it was the way that the scar that ran across his nose made him look so adorable (though how a scar could be adorable Kakashi didn't know, sexy he could understand, but adorable?), especially when he scratched or rubbed at it. Or perhaps, it was the way the Chuunin nibbled on his pen when he got bored while manning the mission office.

Kakashi fought back a groan, who knew that taking off a pair of socks could be so damn sexy? But then again Iruka was capable of making everything, no matter how innocent, seem erotic in nature and not even realize that he was doing so. The man was a goddamn wet-dream come to life!

There was just no one single thing that made the chocolate-eyed man so damn enticing. It was the whole package. Yup, Iruka was a phenomenon all of his own. That was why the famed copy-nin had been making a careful study of the younger man with his sharingan eye; he wanted to learn what made Iruka so irresistible. Well, that wasn't quite true. What he really wanted was to make his Iruka centric fantasies as realistic as possible.

Hey, It was his eye and he could do whatever the hell he wanted with it! Besides he was positive that Obito would have approved of the way he was employing the powers of the Uchiha blood limit. Shit, he was probably high-fiveing Yondaime right that very moment, while the two of them made lewd comments, shared a bowl of popcorn, and enjoyed the wonderful sight that was Iruka.

After several hours of Iruka watching (he had watched as the younger man did house chores, and as he finished grading a stack of papers, and then as the adorable man got ready for bed, and even for a half-hour or so after the Chuunin had fallen asleep), Kakashi was understandably tired. Using the sharingan took a lot out of him, after all, not to mention the lethargy that he was experiencing after having to relive himself of a not so little problem before heading home via the roof tops.

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Mary-Sue was positive that this time she would not fail! She was going to use a maneuver that not once, in the history of Mary-Sue's, had ever been defeated. After all, this was going to be her most difficult mission to date, and she could no longer afford to play around using basic techniques; she needed to bring out the big guns. She smirked as she went over her plan to win the bishounen of her most recent Mary-Sue fantasies. Ah yes, this time she would win, and succeed in disrupting the Naruto-verse, while earning herself a place in Mary-Sue history!

Her evil maniacal laughter once again filled the air of the fandom, sending chills up the spines of all who heard it. Those who had previous experience with the crazed Mary-Sue, who was currently terrorizing their world, were reduced to the very un-shinobi-like practice of hiding under their beds. Those who were not familiar with the devil-incarnate that was Mary-Sue were left with a feeling of foreboding, but were uncertain as to why. Even the authoress and her fellow collective members were terror struck by the amount of insanity that the wicked giggle fit managed to convey. And somewhere, off in his own corner of the Naruto-verse, Uchiha Itachi was curled up in the fetal position, hiding in his closet, rocking slightly, and silently praying that he was not the intended victim of the latest Mary-Sue attack.

Do you readers realize just how bad something has to be in order for it to make Itachi act like a timid toddler who's afraid of the boogeyman?

After laughing herself out Mary-Sue went to prepare for her greatest mission. She was confident that nothing, and no one, short of an act of the gods, or a pissed off authoress, could stop her. But, as Smurf was still battling against the hordes of Muses who wanted control of her thought process, while simultaneously fantasizing about the skilled hands, and dexterous fingers of a certain sand-nin, Mary-Sue was fairly sure she needed not to fear any interference from said authoress.

What was her newest mission, you ask? The seduction of Hatake Kakashi, of course! After all, he had been the one she wanted all along; it was just that due to his away mission, she had been forced to make do with the ninjas available to her until his return. But don't repeat that, it would be a rather nasty blow to the egos of quite a few male shinobi inhabiting the fandom.

Mary-Sue had been counting on what her creator had come to dub the Iruka effect, in order to successfully complete part two of her mission. Part one had been to get her troublesome feline sibling out of the way by slipping her a slightly weaker version of the knock out potion she had given to Naruto way back in Chapter Two, installment three of the fic. The dumb blond neko hadn't even suspected that something might have been slipped into her coffee as they had been chatting about men and other such things.

What is the second part of her mission, you ask? Just wait and see.

Once the silver-haired leaf-nin was asleep snuggled- but not exactly safe- in his bed, Mary-Sue began Operation Seduce Hatake Kakashi. With her latest mind jutsu firmly in place (much thanks Zabuza and Haku for teaching her such a valuable little trick), the dark haired girl snuck into his house knowing full well that he was too exhausted to even notice her presence and proceeded with her iniquitous plan to make said ninja her own, and to permanently disrupt the Kaka/Iru story arc, thus making the copy-nin the sole property of the E.M.S.S.

Mary-Sue's everywhere could rejoice at the monumental victory. That is, if she were successful, which she was certain she would be.

The indolent copy-nin didn't even stir as the girl slipped into the bed and snuggled up next to him. As a matter of fact, since said ninja's brain- not to mention body- were seeped in happy little sex hormones and deliciously yaoi dreams of his lovely school teacher obsession, he snuggled right back, wrapping his arms around her and nuzzling his still masked face (he had been too tired to remove it) into her hair, letting out a little sigh as he did so.

"_Rrruuuukaaaaa,"_ he murmured, the name rolling off of his tongue, and then promptly fell back into his silent state of slumber.

Mary-Sue smirked, tomorrow was going to be very fun indeed.

* * *

The following morning, Kakashi awoke as filtered gold streamed through his window in elegant ribbons, and danced across his still masked face. Contrary to popular belief, the Jounin did not sleep in; he was what one would call an early riser. He was about to sit up and swing his legs over the side of his bed when he realized that there was a weight across his midsection. A little startled, the man looked down and found that the strange weight was in fact an arm. His eyes widened momentarily, and then narrowed into dangerous slits.

There were two things going through his mind at that moment and those two things were, **'WHO THE HELL IS THAT? AND HOW THE FUCK DID SHE GET INTO MY BED?'** He then proceeded to poke his sleeping bed partner into consciousness.

Mary-Sue opened her eyes slowly, blinking several times in that look-at-me-I'm-so-angelic-and-sweet manner that all Mary-Sue's instinctively know upon conception. She then did the don't-I-look-like-a-cutie-pie-and-don't-you-just-want-to-hug-me yawn and stretch combination that had ensnared even the most difficult of fictitious characters. She then looked over at the man who had been poking her shoulder, none to gently she might add.

It was then that she put the rest of her devious plan into action. For a brief moment she stared at him with impossibly wide eyes, blinking them owlishly at the proper intervals. That gesticulation was quickly followed by a resounding scream that had everyone in the fandom covering his or her ears in pain. Hell it was so loud it even woke up the drugged cat-girl who had this time been shackled to the academy swing set with some rather heavy duty chains she had borrowed- without permission- from the one and only Kabuto, and gagged so that she wouldn't be able to call for help, even if she wanted to.

Luckily for our favorite cat-girl this is a fan-fic universe, and she has her very own type of stalker, the silver haired Sennin, known as Jiraiya. The Super Pervert responsible for the creation of the Icha Icha series found the cat-girl before the students and instructors had arrived, thus sparing her any embarrassment she would have been made to endure if she had to be rescued by a freaking ten-year-old kid. For the second time Jiraiya was forced to play the roll of rescuer to a damsel, of the feline persuasion, in distress. Not that he minded you see. It was just that if he was going to perform a service, he wanted some sort of payment, or at least to be shown a little gratitude- preferably of an Icha Icha inspired variety.

Perverted horny old man.

The Sennin grinned at the girl as he released her from her binds and said- with a twinkle in his eyes, _"You know, we've got to stop meeting like this."_ And then he decided to get in another grope by disguising it as helping her to dust off the seat of her pants.

Jamesie's eyebrow twitched, and she delivered one hell of a blow to the poor mans habitually ill-treated cranium, before reaching into one of her many pockets and producing that funny little book she was always reading. She needed to find out what, exactly, her hellion of an elder sibling was up to, and she needed to stop whatever it was in an expeditious manner. Or the consequences would be severe.

Wait a minute; hadn't Jiraiya brought Kakashi back with him the other day? And hadn't she found that rather risqué fan-art picture of the masked man in Mary-Sue's underwear drawer (along side some fuzzy hand cuffs, a pair of dirty dice, and a mixed CD entitled Make-out Music)? What? She had been looking for a pair of socks to borrow. Sheesh! It wasn't as if she was in the habit of sneaking into people's underwear drawers and taking stock- or anything else- of their contents.

Dirty minded readers!

* * *

Back in Kakashi's bedroom the confused Jounin was dodging a lamp, two pillows, a pair of zori, and his picture of team 7 back in their Gennin days, while Mary-Sue was putting on a rather convincing performance of a scandalized, innocent, frightened, young, woman from the 3-D world who had somehow managed to fall into the Naruto-verse after being electrocuted by her DVD player.

She was screaming at him to get out of her bedroom, and other such bits of inanity, when she picked up his first edition, signed copy of Icha Icha Paradise Volume; One, and made ready to launch it at his head. She had been in the middle of calling him _"a creepy, cos-play, perverted stalker,"_ when Kakashi had made a quick movement and appeared behind her gripping her wrist (the one attached to the hand holding his book), in order to take the paperback away from her. Mary-Sue startled (or at least she pretended to) a little bit, and managed to throw them both off balance enough to tumble over, so that they were in a tangle of limbs on the floor. Somehow during their fall Kakashi had wound up on top of the deceitful dark-eyed girl.

Poor Kakashi, he was then treated to another loud outburst. The girl's high-pitched scream was enough to wake the dead, and lord knows there were probably a billion or so corpses trying to shield their ears from her sound based attack.

Somewhere in the very back of the copy-nin's mind he was vaguely aware of this thought, **'If that could be taught as a jutsu it would be one hell of a way to immobilize an enemy,'** before scrambling away from the little noise maker, covering his now thoroughly abused ears, and wincing at the shrillness of her screaming.

Then the throwing of things and shouting of insults and threats started anew, and lasted until she picked up something from Kakashi's bedside table in order to hurl it at him, and caught a glimpse of what it was before stopping her rant, and blinking a few times with her jaw dropped.

"_You- I- This… this isn't mine,"_ she then took a look around as if for the first time realizing where she was, or rather where she wasn't. _"WHERE AM I? WHAT'S GOING ON? YOU HAD BETTER NOT HAV-"_

Kakashi raised his hands in a non-threatening gesture that begged for her to be quiet so he could at least answer her first question. Surprisingly that simple gesture worked. Kakashi explained that she was in his bedroom, in his apartment, in the village of Konoha, and that he had no idea how she had come to be there, and that no, he hadn't done anything to her, and yes, he was quite positive that he wasn't a crazy person, and what… or where was Edmonton?

After a few hours the girl seemed to be relatively calm, at least she wasn't chucking things and screaming anymore. Though she did seem as if she was having trouble coming to terms with what she had just been told. Not that Kakashi was finding it any easier to digest the things that he had told her. She was from a different world? It sounded like something out of a science fiction novel (Yes, contrary to popular belief, Kakashi did read books that weren't a part of the Icha Icha series, he simply preferred his book form porn to other kinds of reading material was all.). Jiraiya was quite the talented writer in spite of everything else people might have you think.

Our little Mary-Sue is quite the actress isn't she?

* * *

Jiraiya was once again left in a confused state, as he sat on the grass of the Academy grounds, rubbing at his sore head. His cat-girl sure did pack a mean punch; it could even rival Tsunade's. And speaking of the Godaime, wasn't he supposed to be meeting her this morning? He shot to his feet and scrambled in the direction of the insanely strong woman's office. She got rather testy when he was late, and a testy Tsunade, was not someone he wanted to spend the morning with. Hell it wasn't even someone he wanted to be in the same country with. He much preferred her when she didn't want to beat him to with an inch of his life.

* * *

Everything was going according to plan. Kakashi hadn't spent more than two minutes away from Mary-Sue since waking up that morning. And that was just so that he could go to the bathroom. He had even offered her some clothes to wear, after all, the pajamas she was wearing were cute, but they weren't exactly practical. He could practically see through the worn material of her oversized white t-shirt, not that he didn't appreciate the view, it was just that he didn't want to get attacked and called all sorts of names for a second time this chapter. The problematic OC was delighted beyond words that she had finally succeeded in procuring herself one of the most desired bishounen in the entire fan-fic universe. Nothing could stop her. There was very little of the chapter left to go, and her kitty cat sister was probably still knocked out and tied to that swing set. Ah yes, life was good.

* * *

Jamesie had made her way to the home of one Umino Iruka, she found him locking up his front door, in order to head off to work. Kakashi was nowhere to be found. This wasn't good.

'**DAMNIT! Where's Kakashi? He's supposed to be following Iruka!'** she thought angrily. _"Ooooh, Mary-Sue, you're sooo going to get it!"_ the cat-girl stomped her left foot in a physical expression of her exasperation with her elder sibling, and then hurried off to save the masked man, only, what was she going to do? She couldn't just grab the older girl and take her away; she had already proven that that doesn't work. So, what was she going to do? She had to come up with something and fast!

The stressed out cat-girl rushed off in search of her creator, in hopes of maybe finding a solution buried somewhere in Smurf's imagination.

* * *

Kakashi cocked his head to the side as he tried to place the strange almost marching sound he heard coming down the corridor of his apartment building. It was either an angry mob, or Naruto on Pixie Stix (dude, those things can make even the most sloth-like person hyper as hell). Naruto was more than likely having a nice little romp with Sasuke, so that left the angry mob. But what would a mob, let alone an angry one be doing in his apartment building? Unless…

He took one look over at Mary-Sue, who was too wrapped up in her thoughts of success to notice anything out of the ordinary. Being the genius that he is Kakashi moved out of the way, claiming that he was going to the kitchen to get them both something to drink. He was well out of the living room when his door was broken down and a horde of angry fan-fic writers stormed the place, swarming on Mary-Sue, beating her to a bloody pulp and hog-tying her before dusting off their collective hands and wandering back to the various Kaka/Iru communities, and fan sites they had come from.

A lone cat-girl was left behind to deal with her errant sister. She waved at Kakashi, smiling in a friendly manner, and then sent him off to catch up with Iruka, telling him that she'd clean up the mess, and to have a nice day.

Kakashi thought he had seen the cat-girl before, and then it clicked, she was Jiraiya's little Mary-Sue in denial. Smiling back at her he said a quick thank you, with his visible eye curved into a happy little arch, and headed on his merry way.

* * *

**End Chapter!  
Up Next:** _The Epilogue In Which The Randomness Comes to An End.

* * *

_

**Review Responces:**

**HatakeKakashi22: **I'm very grateful for the Oreos. And YAY! I made someone feel special! Hope this chapter is to your liking as well.

**:Hugs HatakeKakashi22, and cries tears of gratitude:**

Thank you for your kind reviews! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

**Motion Sickness: **I know you'll review this sooner or later, so thank you in advance for the expected review, and thank you for the reviews you've already given me!

**:Offers up some of her precious Oreo's to share with sickness:**

**Dead Uchiha: **Firstly I'm glad you're enjoying your gift. And as to how I got him well lets just say it involved liberal amounts of sake, a potato peeler, and a piñata. Don't ask. LOL. I'm really thankful for all of your really nice reviews. They helped a lot when it came to editing and things.

* * *

**Hugs and Oreos!**  
Smurf. 


	11. The Epilogue In Which The Randomness Com

**Warning:** This is the last chapter in a seriously odd fic. Its randomness may confound some readers. Discretion is advised.

**Disclaimer:** Don't own it. Don't want to. Don't sue us.

**A/N:** This is the final installment of this particular fic. Actually, this isn't the original Epilogue at all. A review gave me an idea, and I decided to run with it, so I rewrote it completely.

**Dedication:** Again, for Dead Uchiha who's review gave me the idea for the new epilogue content.

* * *

**From the Floppy Called Subversive  
By:** _Smurf

* * *

_**The Epilogue In Which The Randomness Comes To An End**

Kakashi had no idea how right he had been when he had imagined his deceased sensei, and similarly statused former teammate, looking down on him. As a matter of fact, the affairs of the Naruto-verse had become somewhat of a phenomenon, in the afterlife. Every day three dead Uchiha's and the Yondaime, would gather in that Uchiha complex in the sky to watch the goings-on of the villagers on their flat screen T.V.

Hey, they were dead. The least the Gods could do while making them await reincarnation was see to it that they were comfortable.

As of late, things in the Naruto-verse had become rather interesting, they were much more like a soap opera then ever before in fact. Even Shisui, who could usually be found playing various games on the PS2 had become interested and began to watch along side Obito, Shi, and that blond bundle of squeeness, Yondaime.

They had watched as the devious Mary-Sue had infiltrated their village, and as she had proceeded to screw with the romantic story arcs of the Naruto-verse, using tried and tested fan-fic methods. They had watched her attempt to nab herself a Hyuuga, and as she had kidnapped Naruto in hopes of winning over Sasuke, they had also watched as the dark eyed girls feline sister had match made the pink haired medic-nin, and her former best friend, the kunoichi known as Ino.

Shi had very nearly choked on her popcorn laughing as they had witnessed that particular event.

Also of interest had been the E.M.S.S. agents attempt to snag Shikamaru, or her try at wooing Kiba. Even watching as the fan-fic's authoress dealt with Temari and Tenten, had offered some sort of entertainment for them. Then there had been Mary-Sue's failure to make that insomniac redhead fall for her. And funnier still had been witnessing the repeated beatings that old man Jiraiya had taken from both Tsunade, and Jamesie (whom he still seemed to think was in Mary-Sue denial).

Then there had been Kakashi. Obito, Yondaime, and Shi had been astounded to find out that their former friend was gay. That time it had been Yondaime who had nearly asphyxiated on his mouthful of popcorn, leaving Shisui to translate his garbled speech for the other two Uchiha's in the viewing room.

Poor Shisui, he really wanted to get back to his Play Station.

Now they were watching as the source of their most recent entertainment came to an end.

In the Naruto-verse, the various fic writers were once again able to continue with their tales of angst, romance, adventure, humor, and other such things. Mary-Sue was no longer a threat to anyone as she was being taken back to the confines of Smurf's mind. Now that the war between Authoress and muses was over with, Mary-Sue would have a much more difficult time trying to escape.

They watched in a strange mixture of horror, and fascination as Jamesie gave into her more Mary-Sue like tendencies, indulging the perverted Sennin in a few of his yet unprinted Icha Icha fantasies. She would be leaving after all, and so it wasn't really going to result in anything bad occurring in the fandom. Well… aside from a few nosebleeds when his readers got a hold of his next volume. As a matter of fact there was a lot of twitching and nosebleeds occurring in the Uchiha compound in the sky; at least in the case of the three male viewers. Shi was watching with interest, and jotting down notes as quick as she could while occasionally glancing over at the former Yellow Flash of Konoha; they would come in handy later on. A sly smirk crossed her face as the screen flickered and went black.

Later on in Smurf's mind, the troublesome Mary-Sue, and her Cat-girl sibling had returned. Jamesie went back to her corner of the authoress's imagination and began to read her newly acquired Icha Icha paradise collection (a parting gift from a close friend), while Mary-Sue had been forced into confinement in the portion of Smurf's brain usually only inhabited by her irrational fear of Boy bands and smooth peanut butter. It was there that the evil character creation began planning her next escape in to the fan-fic universe, and all of the chaos she would bring about.

* * *

**END FIC!  
****Up Next:** _An Author's Note That Sort Of Isn't_


	12. An Authors Note That Sort Of Isn't

**Welcome to the Author's Note That Sort Of Isn't!

* * *

**

Smurf stood next to a small sampling of the inhabitants of the Naruto-verse, with a speech in hand. Slowly she approached the podium in order to address the various readers, reviewers, and Naruto characters that had decided to attend.

"_Ahem,"_ she cleared her throat, _"I have a few things to say. First and foremost, I would like to thank everyone who read this fic. Thanks for taking a chance on something so erm… strange."_ The authoress that lived in a red and white polka dotted mushroom grinned widely and then looked over to Chouji, and Shino. _"My assistants will now dispense the parting gifts."_

The two shinobi made there way through the crowd handing out plushies, Oreos, and coffee. As the two young men saw to it that everyone received a gift, the authoress continued to speak.

"_I would also like to thank everyone who took the time out to review. Dead Uchiha, HatakeKakashi22, Motion Sickness, THANK-YOU, that was very nice of you. I would even like to thank the anonymous flamer; you gave me my first bad review for this fic, and made me feel like a real writer. So thanks. But I would also like to take this opportunity to say- even though I know you probably wont ever see this- next time I suggest you read the whole summary instead of just the first line. I change summaries often, and the one you read was a two liner, in which the first line held the reason for the rating change, and the second line held the actual information pertaining to the contents of the fic. If you did read the whole thing and simply didn't understand it, then I would like to suggest that you look up the word 'SPOOF', that way you might be tempted to leave a review that is constructive. I'm not asking for praise, just that reiviews which maybe critical in nature are accurate in their content, as I do want to improve upon things that I may not be aptly skilled in."_ Smurf then motioned to somebody in the wings of stage left. _"Now, here is Kankuro to educate you on the meaning of the word spoof."_

Kankuro moved toward the microphone with an open dictionary in hand and began to speak, _"Spoof: Informal. To deceive, or hoax; joke; parody. –n. Deception; parody; hoax (after a game invented by English comedian Arthur Roberts, 1852-1933). To make fun of, joke about, to comment upon with humor."_ The puppet wielding Sand-nin looked up from the book before saying one last thing, _"Thank-you." _He then closed the book and placed it on the podium.

After that brief lesson in the English language a celebration in honor of the first non one-shot ever completed by the collective known as serialhugger ensued.

* * *

**End Authors Note!**


	13. Bonus features! LOL

**Now here's some more randomness from the same disk! Yay! Bonus stuff for you readers!

* * *

**

**Smurf: **_(looking for something while half inside a gigantic safe that looks to have at least five locks)_Hmmm, where did my Oreo's go?

**Naruto cast: **_(all shrug)_

**Smurf: **Kankuro, did you see anyone near my Oreo vault?

**Kankuro: **No.

**Smurf: **Hmmm.

**Chouji: **_(with mouth full)_ What's an Oreo?

**Rest of Naruto Cast: **_(look at Smurf expectantly)_Yeah, what's an Oreo?

**Smurf: **_(speaking reverently)_An Oreo is the food of the gods! Oreos are the most wonderful food in the universe! You can make ice cream with them, or dunk them in milk or-(_Notices Chouji pop something in his mouth that looks suspiciously un-chip like)_Hey, what's that you're eating? (Now standing beside Chouji) That looks like… GAH! CHOUJI! Those are MY Oreos!

**Chouji: **_(looks at the cookie in his hand) _Huh? Really? These little cookie things are Oreos? _(pops the cookie in his mouth)_

**Smurf:**_ (gets scary flame like aura around her entire being) _You. Ate. My. Oreos! _(Starts making hand seals)_

**Sand Siblings: **_(shuddering with fear) _

**Smurf: **_(smiling in a very scary fashion_

**Rest of the Naruto Cast: **_(confused looks directed at Smurf)_

**Smurf: **_(still looking like an escaped mental patient)_Chouji, do you want to know what I do to people who steal my Oreos? _(everyone stares at her blankly except for the sand siblings who are attempting to hide)_They all meet my most terrifying summon!

_(Enter Richard Simmons) _

**Cut to scene of Richard leading the Naruto cast in an exercise routine while looking very frightened, desperately trying to escape, and shooting death glares at Chouji.

* * *

**

And there you have it! Some extra fun! 


	14. A Christmas Bonus!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Naruto.

**For** DeadUchiha  
**From** Smurf

_Merry Christmas! I have butchered and bastardized something wonderful yet again. I took the liberty of adding some verses, and truly massacring a Christmas classic. Hope you enjoy it!

* * *

_

**Deadypoo's Christmas Gift**

T'was the night before Christmas,  
And all through the house,  
Not a creature was living,  
Not even a mouse…

Alright, so perhaps that isn't quite true.  
There were a few living creatures in the house of Dead Uchiha,  
One in particular;  
Hagane Kotetsu,

A living Chunin of Konohagakure-  
Though his living status is up to debate,  
As he had been drugged to death,  
By Smurf-chan as of late,

Then there was Kamizuki Izumo,  
His favorite bedmate,  
Whose status as living,  
Is also up for debate,

And Kankuro, and Smurf-chan,  
Whose Magical Mushroom House,  
Had recently been eaten,  
By something much larger than a mouse,

Shisui was practicing his pickup lines with care,  
While hoping desperately that a certain Mary-Sue soon would be there.

Sasori was snuggled away in his bed,  
While visions of puppet sex,  
Ran rampant through his head,

Dead and S.E.A.E. in their hoodies, and both Yondies wearing a Santa Claus cap,  
Had just settled themselves down for a long winters nap,

When from the living room there arose such a clatter,  
they sprang from their bed to see just what was the matter.

Down to the living room they flew in a Yellow Flash,  
Tripping over Obito,  
Causing their very own crash,

The Christmas tree lights, giving off a gentle glow,  
Gave the sparkle of YOUTH to the objects below,

And what to their wondering eyes should appear,  
But their three apples high roommate in the doorway,  
Dressed as Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer,  
Kankuro, beside her, with reins and a whipping stick.  
They knew in an instant he was playing the part of St. Nick.

More rapid than bunnies the two continued their game,  
They whispered, and moved things,  
And Smurf-chan even cursed his name;

"Kankuro no Baka! Be quiet! You'll wake everyone up!  
Kuso! Come on! Move it over there! Just like that, yup!  
To the right! No the left! No, back to the right!  
Now hurry up! Hurry! Let's get this done tonight!"

And like ninja who sneak in order to avoid a fight,  
The duo crept further into the house that night.  
Then into the living room Smurf-chan flew,  
Wearing faux antlers, and jingle bells too.

And then, in a twinkling, they spotted right there,  
Kankuro following Smurf-chan,  
Face set in a glare.

The quartet, feeling like voyeurs, thought of turning to leave,  
But Kankuro as St. Nicholas was a sight too strange to believe.

He was dressed all in fur, from his toes to his hood,  
The Quartet couldn't look away, though they knew they probably should;  
A giant red bag he had flung on his back,  
And he looked like a hawker opening his sack.

His eyes -- how they sparkled!  
Smurf-chan's dimples -- how cute!  
His cheeks were like roses; her nose matched his suit!

Then from his pack he pulled something wrapped up in a bow,  
With a beard on it's chin, and a voice deep and low;

The stump of a cigarette was held tight in it's teeth,  
The smoke from it encircling their heads like a wreath;

It had a broad face and it's body, though dead, was quite strong,  
S.E.A.E. muttered something about wanting to see it in a thong.

It was rugged and handsome,  
And too big to be found on department store shelves,  
The four laughed when they saw their gift, in spite of themselves;

A wink of Smurf-chan's eye and a twist of Kankuro's head,  
Soon gave them to know that they had nothing to dread;

The pair spoke barely a word, but went straight back to their work,  
Of which they supposed Smurf-chan's groping Kankuro was a perk,

Then laying her lips aside of his ears,  
She gave him a giggle,  
Kankuro gaped at the false reindeer;  
He sprang to his feet, to their audience gave a whistle,  
And away the duo flew down the hall, to Shisui's closet, like a missile.

But the four heard Kankuro exclaim, ere he dragged Smurf-chan out of sight;  
**_"Happy Christmas Asuma, and don't let them abuse you all night!"_**

**_

* * *

_**

Okay, I promise, no more updates or edits done on this particular fic.

And, yes, I'm quite aware that this bastardization makes little to no sense.

_Hugs and Oreos; Smurf_


End file.
